Before the Computer...

Before the computer

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut--you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Source: Unknown

Favourite Hymns from Various Professions (Funny)

Time for a weekend laugh. 

Favourite Hymns of Different Professions
The Dentist's Hymn ... Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn ... There Shall Be Showers Of Blessing
The Contractor's Hymn ... The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn ... Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn ... There Is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn ... Standing On The Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn ... Open My Eyes That I May See
The IRS Agent's Hymn ... I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn ... Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn ... Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn ... In The Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn ... I've Got A Mansion Just Over The Hilltop
The Pilot's Hymn ... I'll Fly Away
The Paramedic's Hymn ... Revive Us Again
The Judge's Hymn ... Almost Persuaded
The Psychiatrist's Hymn ... Just A Little Talk With Jesus
The Architect's Hymn ... How Firm A Foundation
The Credit Card Telemarketer's Hymn ... A Charge To Keep I Have
The Zoo Keeper's Hymn ... All Creatures Of Our God And King
The Postal Worker's Hymn ... So Send I You
The Waiter's Hymn ... Fill My Cup, Lord
The Gardener's Hymn ... Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming
The Lifeguard's Hymn ... Rescue The Perishing
The Criminal's Hymn ... Search Me, O God
The Baker's Hymn ... When The Roll Is Called Up Yonder
The Shoe Repairer's Hymn ... It Is Well With My Soul
The Travel Agent's Hymn ... Anywhere With Jesus
The Geologist's Hymn ... Rock Of Ages
The Hematologist's Hymn ... Are You Washed In The Blood?
The Men's Wear Clerk's Hymn ... Blest Be The Tie
The Umpire's Hymn ... I Need No Other Argument
The Librarian's Hymn ... Whispering Hope

(Credit: Sparkpeople,com )

Joke: "Why Men Can't Win"

     

Scene from "The Proposal"

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
      If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
      
      If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
      If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
      
      If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
      If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
      
      If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
      If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
      
      If you cry, you're a wimp.
      If you don't, you're insensitive.
      
      If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
      If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
      
      If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
      If she asks you, it's a favor.
      
      If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
      If you don't, you're a slob.
      
      If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
      If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

[Credit: http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Marriage/Why_Men_Can't_Win.shtml]

c

Top 5 iPad2 Parodies (Ha Ha!)

The iPad 2 is going to be launched soon, March 11th, 2011 in the US, and March 25th, 2011 in Canada, UK and others. With all the hype going on, here is a list of 5 iPad parodies. My favourite is the first one. I like Apple, but sometimes, we need videos like these to remind us to distinguish between reality and hype.

#1 - My Favourite [This is tops!]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeAOh4Ah-t8



#2 - Parody: "Truth about the iPad2" [funny]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5jMrLqdv4I



#3 - The eiAPP
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=826jZDyeGZA

- I am curious how they 'cook' the egg on the iPad.


#4 - Bigger is Better?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p97NYPqGXtg


#5 - Parody
- One part contains bad language, which relegates this to last.



Enjoy.

conrade

Church Bulletin Bloopers

This is why Church people needs to be more gracious? No Church is perfect.

The following are actual church bulletin 'bloopers.' Read with care.

=====================
[Credit: ButlerWebs.com]

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.  

• Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." 

• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 

• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." 

• Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. 

• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. 

• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
   
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
   
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
   
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
   
• Smile at someone who is hard to love.
   
• Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
   
• Don't let worry kill you - let the Church help.
   
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
   
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
   
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
   
• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
   
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
   
• The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
   
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
   
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
   
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
   
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P.M.-prayer and medication to follow.
   
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
   
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
   
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
   
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.  

• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.   

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• 
  Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

====================
Grace,

conrade

Some Funny Beer Commercials

I don't know why. Some of the funniest commercials happen to be by beer makers. These Canadian commercials are hilarious. #1 is my favourite.

1) Asking For Trouble
Attention world. Canadians are nice, but don't mess with them, like the one below.


2) Pet Beaver
A little bit like #1, though I like #1 better.



3) "Spit it Out"
A little ridiculous. I laugh at the way the actor seem so serious about his beer.


4) "A Canadian visits Vermont"
This is funny.


c

Joke: "Installing a Husband"

This is a widely circulated email joke. I find it creative and in some ways brilliant. Thanks to Cheryl.

========================================================
INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
• Romance 9.5 and
• Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as
• NBA 5.0,
• NFL 3.0 and
• Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
• Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?


Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
• If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
• Cooking 3.0 and
• Hot Lingerie 7.7.


Good Luck!

Tech Support

"A Nun Grading Papers" (good laugh)

Someone sent me this hilarious email. #3, #9, #10, #14 and especially #25 are my favourites.
================================================================
A Nun Grading Papers

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17.. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24 ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Corporate 'Wisdom' Tidbits

Here is some 'wisdom' for the workplace to help spread some cheer amid the gloomy climate. I got it from a friend's email to me. The one on Murphy's laws is available from many places, and placed here for your convenience.

---

Corporate Lesson #1 - (Crow & The Rabbit)
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him:"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow said:" Sure, why not?" So the rabbit sat and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared. It jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson #2 - (Turkey & the Bull)
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I haven't got the energy."
The bull replied:"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings? They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of the dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally, after a fortnight, he perched proudly at the top of the tree. Soon, a farmer spotted and shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bulls..t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Murphy's Laws on Work (more corporate lessons

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
   
2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
   
3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
   
4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
   
5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
   
6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
   
7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
   
8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
   
9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
   
10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
    
11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
    
12. Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'
    
13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
    
14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
    
15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
    
16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
    
17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
    
18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
    
19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
    
20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
    
21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
    
22. People are always available for work in the past tense.
    
23. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
    
24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
    
25. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
    
26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
    
27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
    
28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'
    
29. The longer the title, the less important the job.
    
30. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
    
31. An 'acceptable' level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
    
32. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
    
33. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
    
34. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Cheers.

ks

More Silly Goals

This silly goalkeeping moment is simply too funny not to share....

This next snippet is entitled: "Joy and Despair in 30 seconds."

Top 10 Worst Goalkeeping Moments (Laugh)

This tells us that even professionals can make mistakes. I love the last one.



This second one is a classic 'great save' followed by an equally great blunder.



Enjoy.

"No Frills Airline" (funny)

My wife shared this video she got from a friend. It's hilarious....

A Million Thank-Yous

Someone sent me this. The Bible says, "In everything give thanks." (1 Thess 5:18) But this is taking it a little too far........
Really funny, but after a while, it gets on your nerves. See how many "Thank yous" can you tolerate? (Hint: for maximum effect, turn on your speakers)

Kids' Prayers

Children, aren't they cute?

ks

---

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? Lucy

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD,
Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise

Dear GOD,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny

Dear GOD,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean

Dear GOD,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -RuthM.

Dear GOD,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott

Dear GOD,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob

Dear GOD,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha

Dear GOD,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD:
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie

Dear GOD,
I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles

Dear GOD,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -DJ

Ha Ha Ha.......

Jolt Quote XIV

Here are two quotes I find very fascinating, from the quotable Mark Twain.

(A) "Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. "

(B) "It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them."

I was jolted by the first quote to recognize how deep and wide acts of kindness can reach. One needs no University education or loads of experience to practice that.

The other quote tugged at my humourous rib on the folly of people's insistence of freedom defined according to their self-gratifying desires.

ks

this is funny

Zen-Truths?

I do not know who is the originator of the zen-truths below, so I will credit the Ben witherington's blog which has informed me first.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I have a good laugh.

Why English Language is Hard to Learn.

I am taking a break from the biblical exposition. I find this rather interesting. It has been so widely published that I do not know who to give credit to.

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) 1 had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth teeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would actually hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

An 'Ah Beng' Hilarious Moment

Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator:
"Could you please tell me the time difference between
Taipei and Las Vegas?"
Operator: "Just a minute.."
Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.

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