BookPastor >> "This Changes Everything" (Jaquelle Crowe)

It often takes a teen to write about teens to teens. This review was first published at Panorama of a Book Saint on April 18th, 2017.

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TITLE: This Changes Everything: How the Gospel Transforms the Teen Years
AUTHOR: Jaquelle Crowe
PUBLISHER: Wheaton, IL: Crossway Publishers, 2017, (160 pages).

Very often, people would think that only bearded individuals with white hair are the authors who could come up with wise words and reliable reading. We might presume that only adults are qualified to talk about adult matters. For things of theology and Christian living, we might even reserve the domain for scholars, theologians, great preachers, or popular pastors. This is one reason why this book defies such old paradigms. Written by a gifted 19 year old girl who simply has this pure love for Jesus, this personal journal of Jaquelle Crowe makes it a refreshing contribution to the way God can work through all individuals, including teenagers. Writing with herself and the teen in mind, she focuses on eight core themes with regard to how the gospel can transform the teen years. In Identity, she reflects on the Apostle Paul's life changing transformation in which he treasures Christ; devalues everything else; having faith in Christ alone; knowing Jesus; willing to suffer for Him; and becoming like Jesus. The gospel changes her life through this identity in Christ. Live for Jesus. On Story, Crowe begins with a description of her first movie, starring herself! Gradually, she confesses that it is only significant when she sees it being connected to the larger story.

BookPastor >> "Adoptive Youth Ministry" (Chip Clark)

This review was first published at Panorama of a Book Saint on Aug 29th, 2016.

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TITLE: Adoptive Youth Ministry: Integrating Emerging Generations into the Family of Faith (Youth, Family, and Culture)
AUTHOR: Chap Clark
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2016, (400 pages).

What is adoption? What does "Adoptive Youth Ministry" mean? How is it different from conventional youth ministries? According to the editor of this book, to be adopted means becoming a full member of a nonbiological family. When applied to youth ministry, it means one, more, or even all of of the following "four foundational premises."

1. Recognizing that in every Church and organization, there are insiders as well as outsiders.
2. Reminding that we are adopted into God's family as a child with other children.
3. We are vulnerable but Jesus has his eyes on us.
4. That we as well as outsiders are called to the gathering.

Chap Clark, editor of this book of articles compiled from 20 different contributors says:

"Adoptive ministry is vital because we are witnessing the fact that in Christ God has invited those who 'believed in his name' to 'become children of God' (John 1:12). This is the message of the good news. Therefore our message—in our lifestyle, service, and word—is adoption."

BookPastor >> "Dr Karyn's Guide to the Teen Years" (Karyn Gordon)

TITLE: Dr Karyns Guide To The Teen Years
AUTHOR: Karyn Gordon
PUBLISHER: Toronto, ON: HarperCollins, 2008, (320 pages).

This is a parenting guide for all interested in connecting with teenagers. Based on her experience with talking to over 200 thousand high school students across Canada, Dr Karyn Gordon has summarized her "inside-out" parenting approach to help us along. She lists the six keys to parenting teens as:

1. Keeping the Big Picture in mind at all times
2. Acknowledging and adjusting our parenting attitudes
3. Understanding and communicating emotions
4. Building our child's self-esteem
5. Communicating effectively
6. Establishing boundaries and providing structure.

First off is the big picture understanding. Key to all of these is the awareness of "inside-out" versus "outside-in" parenting. The latter basically focuses on what is developing inside the teens rather than what they teens are doing outside. This includes observing the reasons why they are doing what they are doing; the motivation; the sensitivity to their feelings; and the readiness to talk. Character development is more important than mere achievements. This means learning to identify positive traits and helping their self-esteem. Communications are important but right communications are even more important. Between authority and influence, teens respect the latter. Learn about the importance of their peers and friends. Choose to connect more than to control. Check to see which of the three kinds of learning they do best. Are they visual or are they more kinesthetic (learning by doing)? Or are they more auditory? Learn to focus more on learning styles and understanding their relationships.

Margaret Gordon's Top 12 Tips of Parenting Teens

I found this list of 12 tips very enlightening. The following is taken from Karyn Gordon's Guide to the Teen Years.

1. Accept the uniqueness of each of your teens.
2. Be willing to admit your own mistakes and ask for forgiveness if you have hurt your teen.
3. Spend time with each teen; play with them, get to know their likes and dislikes.
4. Help them when you are asked but don't take over! Give them space to develop their own gifts.
5. Affirm them, focus on their good qualities, praise them for effort and work well done.
6. Teach them to be truthful.
7. Set realistic boundaries and rules, but be flexible.
8. Be consistent with your boundaries and rules (this is not always easy but it is important)
9. Be authentic, be real! Kids can tell right away if we are phonies.
10. Teach them to be responsible for their own things like jobs, money and school work.
11. Love them unconditionally; be patient, kind, accepting of who they are as people; separate who they are from what they do.
12. MODEL, MODEL, MODEL what you preach and teach. For example, don't tell them to tell the truth and then ask them to lie for you on the phone. 

(From: Karyn Gordon's Guide to the Teen Years, HarperCollins, 2008, p57)

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A Child's Changing Perceptions of Their Dads Over the Years

This is a delightful chart that shows the changing perceptions of dads from the eyes of their child at different ages. It's adapted from an article here.

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Six Reasons Why the Young Are Leaving the Church

TITLE: Six Reasons why the Young Leaving the Church
Written by: Conrade Yap
Date: 27 Jan 2012

In a provocative book that attempts to diagnose the rumblings on the younger generation, David Kinnaman in his book, "You Lost Me: Why Young Christians are Leaving Church. . . and Rethinking Faith" points out 6 reasons why the young are leaving Church. Focusing on the generation that is between 18-29 years old, Kinnaman identifies three groups of people, the 'nomads,' the 'prodigals,' and 'the exiles.'

'Nomads' basically are those who are not actively engaged in Church but still believe. 'Prodigals' are those who introduces themselves as a 'former Christian' and no longer believe. 'Exiles' are those who are still in the Church but feel stuck between Church and the world.

Kinnaman then gives six reasons why the young are leaving the Church. They say that the Church is:

1. "Over-Protective." About a quarter of the surveyed youths say that the church is overprotective of them, and tends to demonize the culture at large, from music to technology, from movies to their choice of programs, and especially things that they grow up with.  
2. "Shallow." Boring, irrelevant, and lack of clarity in Bible teaching.  Many do not see a connection between God and their daily lives.
3. "Anti-science." There is a strong perception that having faith in God is anti-thesis to the existence of science. 
4. "Repressive." The church tends to be perceived as not as understanding and forgiving, especially in the area of sexual matters. Many young people feel judged. The Church in general does not understand the reasons behind the sexuality perspectives young people has. The rules of the Church seems to be stifling and judgmental.
5. "Exclusive." Why is Christianity making exclusive claims? In a pluralistic world, why is the Church so stubborn and not willing to embrace other faiths and beliefs?
6. "Doubtless." Why can't young people honestly verbalize their doubts? Must they be 'doubtless' and believe in the doctrine without questioning them?

[Read the Barna article here:]

It is an eye opener for those of us in our 30s and above. We may not need to agree with all of what Kinnaman is saying. What matters more is that these six reasons are consolidated from research done between 2007 and 2011 from 1296 young people (18-29 years old) in the US, both Church-goers as well as non-Church goers. Looking at the list above, as a Church, we need to be humble enough to be guilty until proven innocent.  

Six Opportunities to Renovate Our Houses

The first step with regards to such a report is to acknowledge that we have weaknesses. Confess that we have not done our best. Admit that there are things that we still do not understand. Whether the 6 reasons above are true or not true, all church leaders need to be mature enough at least to say: "I am open to criticism and open learning." Even for those churches with a thriving young people group, there is no guarantee that they can avoid all of the six factors above in the future. Let me suggest 6 constructive responses to the six reasons why the young are leaving.

#1 - Letting Go: Let adult members of the Church learn to let go of their own insecurities. That feeling of 'the kids not knowing what is best for them' has to go. We need to trust them, and to let them know that we trust them. Perhaps, the best way is simply to go up to them, and affirm them. Let them know that no matter what, we will be with them. Isn't letting go an act of love too? Love is not locking our kids up in a cage, so that they can be safe from the world. It is opening the doors, letting them fly out and experience the world. When the time is right, love will see them flying back home, in greater and fuller appreciation that love frees.

#2 - Growing Deep: This applies to all of us. I think there is a strong link between adult behaviour and the young observer. If the adults themselves are not growing and effectively relating their faith in the world, chances are, the young will copy and follow suit. If we want the young people to grow deeper amid the perception of shallowness in the Church, the adults have a responsibility to show the way.

#3 - Truth-Seeking: Whether it is science, philosophy, art, or theology, the whole Church needs to seek truth. There is truth in many things. Unfortunately, the world is littered with half-truths, half-perceptions, and half-done works of service. Truth needs to be whole. Supplement young people's perceptions by offering platforms for open discussions. Have friendly debates. Organize group dynamics sessions where apologetics can be practiced.

#4 - Open: There is no need to try to force other people into our own molds. It is stifling for anyone, not just young people. If there is a left, there is also a right. If there is an up, there is also a down. Sometimes, there is a middle position which recognizes the best and worst of both. Whatever it is, an environment of openness allows truth to be spoken in love.

#5 - Exclusive Claims: The key word is again 'truth.' Recognize that all religions are exclusive in their own ways. Even atheists and agnostics have their own brand of exclusivity. In this sense, Christianity is no different in terms of their truth claims. Those who trumpet pluralism and total tolerance have 'pluralism' and 'total tolerance' as their exclusive philosophy as well. In other words, everyone else is doing it. Why single out the Church?

#6 - Forgiving Climate: This is something that I am often troubled about. Are we breeding church environments where people are expected to be nice, politically correct, and permitted to do anything except those that ruffle up feathers? If all members of the church practise their attitude of openness and forgiveness, the young will see that it is ok to open up and share their doubts. In this manner, I believe that there is a kind of unhealthy unquestioning faith that leads to unhealthy doubt. There is also a kind of healthy doubt that leads to healthy faith.

There is hope. Let me close with Paul's encouragement to young Timothy. 

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Tim 1:7)

May we all learn to grow to trust in the power of the Holy Spirit, fellowshiping in the love of God, and continuing on like Jesus, on the path of self-discipline. So do not be afraid of the young leaving the church. If we maintain and renovate our physical and spiritual houses, keeping them in order, whether they are nomads, prodigals, or the exiles, the young will definitely WANT to come back home. I believe.


conrade

Good Book - "Teens Who Hurt" (Hardy & Laszloffy)

Title: Teens Who Hurt: Clinical Interventions to Break the Cycle of Adolescent Violence
Authors: Kenneth V Hardy & Tracey A Laszloffy
Published: NY: Guilford Press, 2005.

This book deserves to be read. Both parents and teens will benefit from reading it. In a nutshell, this book is directed at people facing teen violence. Though it deals with the physical problems of violence, it helps readers to recognize that under each physical blow from a teen, lies a fragile emotional being.

1) Diagnosing the Problem
The four problems identified are that teens hurt because of 4 reasons:

• They feel devalued;
• They feel disrupted from the community they love.
• They feel dehumanized;
• They feel rage arising from one or more of the three problems above.

Violence among teens are generally due to an emotional neglect that starts inside the home. When teens lose this critical form of security, the results can be tragic. The problems are exacerbated when adults feel helpless about what to do. This is where I feel Hardy and Laszloffy`s book can play a major role to guide adults.

2) Distilling the Solutions

Using a clinical strategy called the VCR approach, the authors attempt to deal with the 4 symptoms above. 

• V = Validate, Validate and Validate the teens' sense of self-worth;
• C = Challenge; this has to do with positively encouraging youths to move beyond themselves. It leads them to solve challenges themselves, rather than to be talked down into discouragement. This has to be carefully done. If not careful, adults can unwittingly enter into a cycle of 'challenging, confronting, criticizing and correcting
• R = Request. Teens are no longer little children. A little respect and courtesy goes a long way.

What is particularly helpful for the reader are the 'adolescent axioms.'

• "Expect Madness, Badness, and No Easy Rides." (126)
• "Invoke the PTA Rule" (129). This refers to the role of parents, therapists and adults to maintain a form of emotional strength that stems from one's sense of secureness and positive psychological empathy. In order to help teens, one first has to be secure and confident on one's own self-worth. Otherwise, one risks being accused on trying to 'control' others. Teens are especially sensitive about this.
• "Be Suspicious of Memory" (139); do not glorify the past so much that teens are unable to live up to past expectations. It is simply unfair to expect them to live in our past, when teens have so much going for them in the future. Remember that teens have a future that is much different from those of us adults.
• Making a distinction between style and substance. In other words, if adults can maintain a focus on 'content' and what needs to be done, HOW it is done will depend on circumstances and what works for the teen. (144)
• "Recognize How Adolescents are Similar Yet Different" (145): some things are quite the same, yet others are different. The key is to recognize the difference and adapt continuously as they grow.

3) Designing the VCR Strategy

I find this a simple and easy to implement method. In 'Validating,' we want to make sure we understand, not necessarily agree with the teen concerned. We ask questions regarding their emotions and whatever outbursts. We encourage them positively, correcting them gently, and learn to make sense of the rights and wrongs of their feelings. After all, teens are not always right, but they have the right to express themselves.

Secondly, the Challenge step comes after validating. This will provide the path forward to challenge the teen to move and live beyond themselves. After all, teens have remarkable energies at their age. Why let it go to waste by suppressing their creativity?

Once the V and C steps are done, work on the Request portion. It is where the teenagers are prompted to go beyond complaining or lamenting. Wise adult guidance is even more important here. 

My Comments

The book offers lots of practical wisdom. After listing the 4 problems teen face, the authors provide a way toward redemption through re-validating, re-connecting, re-humanizing, and redeeming one`s self-worth. This is deeply necessary for healing to take place. 

The 5 adolescent axioms let us moderate our expectations of teens as well as any unhealthy idealism inside the mind of the adult. The axioms, used together with the VCR strategy can provide a constructive path for both adults and teens as they interact. Perhaps, what teens most need at their tumultuous age is a listening ear. I like the way the authors state the problem, and then offer positive steps to break the vicious cycle. Good book and should be read by all concerned for youth development. 

Rating: 4 stars of 5.

conrade

"What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know"

Title: What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know
Author: Debra Haffner
Published: NY: Newmarket Press, 2007.

Debra Haffner certainly has a load full of credentials. A widely sought after parenting educator, she holds educational degrees in both Public Health as well as divinity qualifications. A parent herself, she attempts to update parenting skills for the 21st Century with an inviting title. Her subtitle speaks of her approach toward modern parenting as "facing today's challenges with wisdom and heart." This is certainly a holistic approach, that is different from conventional approaches of techniques and methodologies.

She begins the book with a question: "Is Parenting Harder Today?" Most of her respondents reply yes. Her answer is 'not necessarily.' Haffner counters the popular opinion by saying that it has always been difficult. The main thing is that parents need to adapt and recognize the changing environment before knowing how to engage them meaningfully.

I) Debunking Myths & Applying Affirmative Parenting
What is helpful is the way Haffner debunks popular myths. She asserts that the media provide statistics that often scare parents about parenting. Even bookstores contain many books that point to problematic youth problems like bad behavior, out of control teens, obesity, bad attitudes, etc. Instead, she calls for the presence of responsible adults to walk with teens. People like a teacher, a minister, a coach, an uncle or aunt. She then moves to her main idea that effective parenting is essentially affirmative in nature.

• Extravagantly love our children regardless of their age;
• Actively be involved in their lives, first allowing them to be children first;
• Learn to share family values;
• Learn to set limitations on technology and guidelines for behaviors;
• Help children make independent decisions;
• Learn to enjoy and have fun parenting.

II) Four Types of Parenting Styles
A) Permissive
B) Authoritarian
C) Affirming
D) Uninvolved

Permissive parents take unnecessary risks and may promote unhealthy liberties among children. Authoritarian parenting may result in positive outcomes initially but cannot be sustained once the rod is lifted. Uninvolved parenting is as good as no parenting. Haffner then goes on to point out the distinctiveness of affirming parenting. She offers 6 tips for affirming parenting:

1. Love your children unconditionally.
2. Stay actively involved in your children's and teenagers' lives.
3. Set limits jointly.
4. Set consequences and follow through
5. Communicate your family values
6. Understand the world your child is growing up in.

Using these 6 principles as her guide, Haffner then tackles the need to raise physically and emotionally healthy kids. She demystifies the popular notion of 'overscheduled and overstressed' kids. She addresses the technological challenges as well as the need for a spiritual component.

Haffner helpfully supplies some tips for parents to develop ethical qualities in children.

1. Listen to your children.
2. Learn from your children
3. Establish family rituals
4. Celebrate traditions in community
5. Consider the role of a faith community
6. Participate in social action.

My Comments
Personally, I find the greatest value Haffner gives is chapter 10 about "Raising the Mensch: The importance of Ethics and Spirituality in Your Child's World." A Mensch is someone we admire, and attempt to emulate. He is one of noble character. Haffner makes a strong case for faith and spirituality to be inculcated early in children. I agree. Far too often, parenting deals with techniques and know-how that parents already are experts in. Society expects parents to simply replicate what they know and turn kids after themselves. Sometimes, these come at a cost, where children under pressure to conform to parental expectations, fail to develop and understand their own beliefs and values. The core of Haffner's thesis lies in the quote from Wilfred Cantwell Smith's book "Faith and Belief."

Faith, then, is a quality of human living. At its best, it has taken the form of serenity and courage and loyalty and service; a quiet confidence and joy which enable one to feel at home in the universe, and to find meaning in the world and in one's own life, a meaning that is profound and ultimate, and is stable no matter what may happen to oneself at the level of immediate event. Men and women of this kind of faith face catastrophe and confusion, affluence and sorrow, unperturbed; face opportunity with conviction and drive; and face others with cheerful charity.(170)

For anyone reading this book, be aware of the Unitarian slant of the beliefs. Haffner's theology rejects the Trinity God that mainstream evangelicalism adheres to. She offers readers the chance to consider the Unitarian beliefs to invite questions about God. In doing so, the source of strength apparently stems from a desire to do good works, rather than from the Person of Christ and the Holy Spirit. This unwittingly underplays the nature of sin, and this is perhaps one of the biggest theological problems I have.

Other than that, the book offers good tips for affirmative parenting. I still believe that we should not abandon the other parenting styles altogether. Perhaps, in wisdom, we need to learn when to apply which kind of parenting skills. This calls for humility and acknowledgment that we are imperfect parents. Parenting is an ongoing journey to be learned and to be lived.

So what does every 21st-Century parent needs to know? I suppose it is the age-old truth: Wisdom and Discernment.

Book Rating: 3 stars of 5.

conrade