BookPastor >> "Belonging and Becoming" (Mark and Lisa Scandrette)

This review was first published at Panorama of a Book Saint on Jan 25th, 2017.

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TITLE: Belonging and Becoming: Creating a Thriving Family Culture
AUTHOR: Mark and Lisa Scandrette
PUBLISHER: Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2016, (240 pages).

Ask anybody what is the most important thing in their lives, and there is a good chance that it would be this: Family. Who doesn't want to have a closely knit loving family? Who would give anything for their families to thrive? Speaking of family is one thing. Achieving it is another. In fact, many people who wanted to have start a family begin well but spluttered along the way. Perhaps, we just need some help and mentoring to get our own families on track toward thriving instead of mere surviving.  For Mark and Lisa Scandrette, their journey started when they stopped to reflect about choices that they could make for the sake of the family. They took the time to intentionally explore new possibilities. They also resolve to take steps to make that into reality. In two words, they bring out the essence of what it means to thrive: Belonging and Becoming. Give children a sense of belonging and empower them toward becoming the best they could ever be. They define the thriving family as follows:

"A thriving family is a place of belonging and becoming, where each person feels safe, cared for and loved, and is supported to develop who they are for the good of the world."

Midweek Reflection: "Knowing When to Connect/Disconnect"

We live in a new era. While wireless waves free us from cables and hardwired connections, they enslave us to the digital device. What's troubling is not how the technology pulls us away from our human interactions but how much we gravitate toward the technology even without the device asking for us! No longer must we contend with the external prompts and ringing interruptions we get from time to time. There is a more formidable contestant. This contestant is inside, not outside; not externally-driven, but internally propelled; not unwillingly but willingly. That is none other than ourselves.

Check out the following from the book by Catherine Steiner-Adair, Disconnect.

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TITLE: The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age
AUTHOR: Catherine Steiner-Adair
PUBLISHER: New York, NY: HarperCollins, 2013, (378 pages).

"In my interviews and focus groups with children as young as four years old, kids have told me how disheartening it is to have to vie for their parents' attention and often come in second. They describe feelings of isolation, loneliness, anger, and sadness around the waiting game. Or a parent's routine multitasking through bedtimes, mealtimes, and playtimes that were promised as 'mommy and me' or 'daddy and me.' Now tech makes three, and most of the children couldn't remember a time when it wasn't that way at home.

Alex, the father of a three-year-old and two older children, quit his executive-level job for less pay and less pressure when he realized that the continuous multitasking demands of his job made uninterrupted time with his children impossible."

I could look them in the eye and have a conversation, but I realized that I was not having that conversation with my whole head. It was like 2 percent of it because I was thinking about the next email coming in or the other things I needed to do, and was so addicted . . . I was 0 percent present, really. I could see it in their eyes. They knew I wasn't realy there with them. It was awful, but I got so used to it. I'd say, 'I'm sorry' and I'd take a call or get up midgame to check my email.

(Catherine Steiner-Adair, The Big Disconnect, HarperCollins, 2013, p114-5)

BookPastor >> "Relational Children's Ministry (Dan Lovaglia)

This review was first published at Panorama of a Book Saint on July 12th, 2016.

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TITLE: Relational Children's Ministry: Turning Kid-Influencers Into Lifelong Disciple Makers
AUTHOR: Dan Lovaglia
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2016, (272 pages).

As far as children are concerned, the Bible has been very consistent. The Bible has said in Psalm 127:3 that "Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from Him." We are blessed to have children in our midst. I remember how children light up the mood in any room. At the same time, we need to look at what it means to practice Proverbs 22:6 to "Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Even in the New Testament, children are specifically told to obey their parents. That is one main reason for children's ministry. We want to reach children for Christ, to groom them to be God-fearing individuals, and to help them live a life honouring to God and to people. In the words of Dan Lovaglia, author and Director of Leadership Development at Awana International, children's ministry must be relational. He wants to equip leaders to move from "kid-influencers into lifelong disciple makers" and in doing so to help children do the same when they grow up. Such leaders include not only ministry workers, volunteers, and pastoral staff. Most importantly, it is about reaching and equipping parents by coming alongside them, supporting, encouraging, and guiding them. All of these are best done through relationships. With skill and care, Lovaglia helps us through three main stages.

BookPastor >> "Dr Karyn's Guide to the Teen Years" (Karyn Gordon)

TITLE: Dr Karyns Guide To The Teen Years
AUTHOR: Karyn Gordon
PUBLISHER: Toronto, ON: HarperCollins, 2008, (320 pages).

This is a parenting guide for all interested in connecting with teenagers. Based on her experience with talking to over 200 thousand high school students across Canada, Dr Karyn Gordon has summarized her "inside-out" parenting approach to help us along. She lists the six keys to parenting teens as:

1. Keeping the Big Picture in mind at all times
2. Acknowledging and adjusting our parenting attitudes
3. Understanding and communicating emotions
4. Building our child's self-esteem
5. Communicating effectively
6. Establishing boundaries and providing structure.

First off is the big picture understanding. Key to all of these is the awareness of "inside-out" versus "outside-in" parenting. The latter basically focuses on what is developing inside the teens rather than what they teens are doing outside. This includes observing the reasons why they are doing what they are doing; the motivation; the sensitivity to their feelings; and the readiness to talk. Character development is more important than mere achievements. This means learning to identify positive traits and helping their self-esteem. Communications are important but right communications are even more important. Between authority and influence, teens respect the latter. Learn about the importance of their peers and friends. Choose to connect more than to control. Check to see which of the three kinds of learning they do best. Are they visual or are they more kinesthetic (learning by doing)? Or are they more auditory? Learn to focus more on learning styles and understanding their relationships.

Margaret Gordon's Top 12 Tips of Parenting Teens

I found this list of 12 tips very enlightening. The following is taken from Karyn Gordon's Guide to the Teen Years.

1. Accept the uniqueness of each of your teens.
2. Be willing to admit your own mistakes and ask for forgiveness if you have hurt your teen.
3. Spend time with each teen; play with them, get to know their likes and dislikes.
4. Help them when you are asked but don't take over! Give them space to develop their own gifts.
5. Affirm them, focus on their good qualities, praise them for effort and work well done.
6. Teach them to be truthful.
7. Set realistic boundaries and rules, but be flexible.
8. Be consistent with your boundaries and rules (this is not always easy but it is important)
9. Be authentic, be real! Kids can tell right away if we are phonies.
10. Teach them to be responsible for their own things like jobs, money and school work.
11. Love them unconditionally; be patient, kind, accepting of who they are as people; separate who they are from what they do.
12. MODEL, MODEL, MODEL what you preach and teach. For example, don't tell them to tell the truth and then ask them to lie for you on the phone. 

(From: Karyn Gordon's Guide to the Teen Years, HarperCollins, 2008, p57)

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Father's Day 2016 - Scene from the Movie Courageous

Fathers' Day is here! While most people will be talking about buying stuff, getting treats, and dining out with their fathers, I thought it is also a good opportunity to remind all fathers and fathers-to-be about the responsibility of fatherhood. Here is a clip from the popular movie, "Courageous." It's one of the best productions from Sherwood Pictures and also very educational. In this moving scene, four police officers step out to make a resolution to be the father that God has called them to be.

A gentle reminder to all. Just because a father does not say out the resolution verbally does not mean he is exempt from practicing all of it. As far as believers in Christ are concerned, it is a very normal thing to be a father that does things that honour God. The resolution honours God.

Link

"The Other Letter"

With Christmas approaching, many people will be busy shopping once again. In a twist to the holiday spirit of buying and accumulating, children were asked to write two letters. The first was a conventional one to Santa Claus or the Three Wise Men for a gift. The second was to parents. This is a powerful wakeup call to parents.Watch the powerful Ikea video here.





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Midweek Meditation: "Happiness is Contagious"

This is a reminder that parenting requires faith. It needs us to trust that our children will need to find their own way to grow. As Christians, we submit to God to help lead and guide our children. The best way is to be changed people ourselves. A wise sage once said, "Aim not to be a sage at the stage but a guide by the side."

conrade

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Happiness is Contagious
"If you always compare your children's abilities to those of great athletes, entertainers, and celebrities, 
they will lose their own power. 
If you urge them to acquire and achieve, 
they will learn to cheat and steal to meet your expectations. 
Encourage you children's deepest joys, 
not their superficial desires. 
Praise their patience, 
not their ambition. 
Do not value the distractions and diversions 
that masquerade as success. 
They will learn to hear their own voice 
instead of the noise of the crowd. 

If you teach them to achieve 
they will never be content. 
If you teach them contentment, 
they will naturally achieve everything. 

We all want our children to be happy. 
Somehow, some way today 
show them something that makes you happy, 
something you truly enjoy. 
Your own happiness is contagious. 
They learn the art from you."

(William Martin, The Parent's Tao Te Ching, NY: Avalon, 1999, p5-6)

Monkey See; Monkey Do

This video ought to wake parents up. Negative-wise, be careful not to let our bad behaviour becomes a bad influence on our children. Positive-wise, if we take care to live in a manner that honours God, our children will also learn by observing us. It reminds me once again that it is often not what we say, but what we do that leaves in our children the deepest impressions.

1. Do you read your Bible regularly? 
2. Do you pray often? 
3. Do you share the gospel? 
4. Do you gather regularly with believers in Christ? 
5. Do you love God as much as you love people?

conrade

A Parenting Poem

This morning, during my sermon on "A Season of Parenting," I read out this short poem by Dianne Loomans. Taken from her book, "100 Ways to Build Self-Esteem & Teach Values,"it represents a list of learning tips with regards to raising children. It is worth pondering over the words.

IF I HAD MY CHILD TO RAISE OVER AGAIN

If I had my child to raise over again,

I'd finger paint more, and point the finger less.

I'd do less correcting, and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less, and know to care more.

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.

I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I'd run through more fields, and gaze at more stars.

I'd do more hugging, and less tugging.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I'd teach less about the love of power,

And more about the power of love.

It matters not whether my child is big or small,

From this day forth, I'll cherish it all.

(Diane Loomans, 100 Ways to Build Self-Esteem & Teach Values, Novato, CA: New World Library,2003, 216)

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World's Strictest Parents - Singapore

I have heard this reality show running for a few years already. This particular episode is from the Australian edition show #5 on Singapore, and holds a few lessons for us to learn. Two Australian teenagers learns to see another perspective of life after their stint in Singapore life. While the clips do show a change in the teenagers' life, it is important to remember that things that happen in front of the camera, may not always reflect the reality without the camera. The episode was telecast on 19 Aug 2009 in Australia.

1) Part 1 of World's Strictest Parents (Singapore episode)




2) Part 2 of World's Strictest Parents (Singapore episode)





conrade

Good Book - "Teens Who Hurt" (Hardy & Laszloffy)

Title: Teens Who Hurt: Clinical Interventions to Break the Cycle of Adolescent Violence
Authors: Kenneth V Hardy & Tracey A Laszloffy
Published: NY: Guilford Press, 2005.

This book deserves to be read. Both parents and teens will benefit from reading it. In a nutshell, this book is directed at people facing teen violence. Though it deals with the physical problems of violence, it helps readers to recognize that under each physical blow from a teen, lies a fragile emotional being.

1) Diagnosing the Problem
The four problems identified are that teens hurt because of 4 reasons:

• They feel devalued;
• They feel disrupted from the community they love.
• They feel dehumanized;
• They feel rage arising from one or more of the three problems above.

Violence among teens are generally due to an emotional neglect that starts inside the home. When teens lose this critical form of security, the results can be tragic. The problems are exacerbated when adults feel helpless about what to do. This is where I feel Hardy and Laszloffy`s book can play a major role to guide adults.

2) Distilling the Solutions

Using a clinical strategy called the VCR approach, the authors attempt to deal with the 4 symptoms above. 

• V = Validate, Validate and Validate the teens' sense of self-worth;
• C = Challenge; this has to do with positively encouraging youths to move beyond themselves. It leads them to solve challenges themselves, rather than to be talked down into discouragement. This has to be carefully done. If not careful, adults can unwittingly enter into a cycle of 'challenging, confronting, criticizing and correcting
• R = Request. Teens are no longer little children. A little respect and courtesy goes a long way.

What is particularly helpful for the reader are the 'adolescent axioms.'

• "Expect Madness, Badness, and No Easy Rides." (126)
• "Invoke the PTA Rule" (129). This refers to the role of parents, therapists and adults to maintain a form of emotional strength that stems from one's sense of secureness and positive psychological empathy. In order to help teens, one first has to be secure and confident on one's own self-worth. Otherwise, one risks being accused on trying to 'control' others. Teens are especially sensitive about this.
• "Be Suspicious of Memory" (139); do not glorify the past so much that teens are unable to live up to past expectations. It is simply unfair to expect them to live in our past, when teens have so much going for them in the future. Remember that teens have a future that is much different from those of us adults.
• Making a distinction between style and substance. In other words, if adults can maintain a focus on 'content' and what needs to be done, HOW it is done will depend on circumstances and what works for the teen. (144)
• "Recognize How Adolescents are Similar Yet Different" (145): some things are quite the same, yet others are different. The key is to recognize the difference and adapt continuously as they grow.

3) Designing the VCR Strategy

I find this a simple and easy to implement method. In 'Validating,' we want to make sure we understand, not necessarily agree with the teen concerned. We ask questions regarding their emotions and whatever outbursts. We encourage them positively, correcting them gently, and learn to make sense of the rights and wrongs of their feelings. After all, teens are not always right, but they have the right to express themselves.

Secondly, the Challenge step comes after validating. This will provide the path forward to challenge the teen to move and live beyond themselves. After all, teens have remarkable energies at their age. Why let it go to waste by suppressing their creativity?

Once the V and C steps are done, work on the Request portion. It is where the teenagers are prompted to go beyond complaining or lamenting. Wise adult guidance is even more important here. 

My Comments

The book offers lots of practical wisdom. After listing the 4 problems teen face, the authors provide a way toward redemption through re-validating, re-connecting, re-humanizing, and redeeming one`s self-worth. This is deeply necessary for healing to take place. 

The 5 adolescent axioms let us moderate our expectations of teens as well as any unhealthy idealism inside the mind of the adult. The axioms, used together with the VCR strategy can provide a constructive path for both adults and teens as they interact. Perhaps, what teens most need at their tumultuous age is a listening ear. I like the way the authors state the problem, and then offer positive steps to break the vicious cycle. Good book and should be read by all concerned for youth development. 

Rating: 4 stars of 5.

conrade

"What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know"

Title: What Every 21st-Century Parent Needs to Know
Author: Debra Haffner
Published: NY: Newmarket Press, 2007.

Debra Haffner certainly has a load full of credentials. A widely sought after parenting educator, she holds educational degrees in both Public Health as well as divinity qualifications. A parent herself, she attempts to update parenting skills for the 21st Century with an inviting title. Her subtitle speaks of her approach toward modern parenting as "facing today's challenges with wisdom and heart." This is certainly a holistic approach, that is different from conventional approaches of techniques and methodologies.

She begins the book with a question: "Is Parenting Harder Today?" Most of her respondents reply yes. Her answer is 'not necessarily.' Haffner counters the popular opinion by saying that it has always been difficult. The main thing is that parents need to adapt and recognize the changing environment before knowing how to engage them meaningfully.

I) Debunking Myths & Applying Affirmative Parenting
What is helpful is the way Haffner debunks popular myths. She asserts that the media provide statistics that often scare parents about parenting. Even bookstores contain many books that point to problematic youth problems like bad behavior, out of control teens, obesity, bad attitudes, etc. Instead, she calls for the presence of responsible adults to walk with teens. People like a teacher, a minister, a coach, an uncle or aunt. She then moves to her main idea that effective parenting is essentially affirmative in nature.

• Extravagantly love our children regardless of their age;
• Actively be involved in their lives, first allowing them to be children first;
• Learn to share family values;
• Learn to set limitations on technology and guidelines for behaviors;
• Help children make independent decisions;
• Learn to enjoy and have fun parenting.

II) Four Types of Parenting Styles
A) Permissive
B) Authoritarian
C) Affirming
D) Uninvolved

Permissive parents take unnecessary risks and may promote unhealthy liberties among children. Authoritarian parenting may result in positive outcomes initially but cannot be sustained once the rod is lifted. Uninvolved parenting is as good as no parenting. Haffner then goes on to point out the distinctiveness of affirming parenting. She offers 6 tips for affirming parenting:

1. Love your children unconditionally.
2. Stay actively involved in your children's and teenagers' lives.
3. Set limits jointly.
4. Set consequences and follow through
5. Communicate your family values
6. Understand the world your child is growing up in.

Using these 6 principles as her guide, Haffner then tackles the need to raise physically and emotionally healthy kids. She demystifies the popular notion of 'overscheduled and overstressed' kids. She addresses the technological challenges as well as the need for a spiritual component.

Haffner helpfully supplies some tips for parents to develop ethical qualities in children.

1. Listen to your children.
2. Learn from your children
3. Establish family rituals
4. Celebrate traditions in community
5. Consider the role of a faith community
6. Participate in social action.

My Comments
Personally, I find the greatest value Haffner gives is chapter 10 about "Raising the Mensch: The importance of Ethics and Spirituality in Your Child's World." A Mensch is someone we admire, and attempt to emulate. He is one of noble character. Haffner makes a strong case for faith and spirituality to be inculcated early in children. I agree. Far too often, parenting deals with techniques and know-how that parents already are experts in. Society expects parents to simply replicate what they know and turn kids after themselves. Sometimes, these come at a cost, where children under pressure to conform to parental expectations, fail to develop and understand their own beliefs and values. The core of Haffner's thesis lies in the quote from Wilfred Cantwell Smith's book "Faith and Belief."

Faith, then, is a quality of human living. At its best, it has taken the form of serenity and courage and loyalty and service; a quiet confidence and joy which enable one to feel at home in the universe, and to find meaning in the world and in one's own life, a meaning that is profound and ultimate, and is stable no matter what may happen to oneself at the level of immediate event. Men and women of this kind of faith face catastrophe and confusion, affluence and sorrow, unperturbed; face opportunity with conviction and drive; and face others with cheerful charity.(170)

For anyone reading this book, be aware of the Unitarian slant of the beliefs. Haffner's theology rejects the Trinity God that mainstream evangelicalism adheres to. She offers readers the chance to consider the Unitarian beliefs to invite questions about God. In doing so, the source of strength apparently stems from a desire to do good works, rather than from the Person of Christ and the Holy Spirit. This unwittingly underplays the nature of sin, and this is perhaps one of the biggest theological problems I have.

Other than that, the book offers good tips for affirmative parenting. I still believe that we should not abandon the other parenting styles altogether. Perhaps, in wisdom, we need to learn when to apply which kind of parenting skills. This calls for humility and acknowledgment that we are imperfect parents. Parenting is an ongoing journey to be learned and to be lived.

So what does every 21st-Century parent needs to know? I suppose it is the age-old truth: Wisdom and Discernment.

Book Rating: 3 stars of 5.

conrade