Midweek Meditation: "On Remarriage" (Hot Potato #3)

(Word Publishing, 1998)

TITLE: 20 Hot Potatoes Christians are Afraid to Touch (Paperback) - Common
PUBLISHER: Dallas, TX: Word Publishing, 1998, (240 pages).

"Needless to say, there can be no condemnation of those who are pushed out of marriages through no decisions or no desires of their own. There is some evidence that the apostle Paul went through such rejection. We know that Paul was once married, because the Bible tells us that he was once a member of the Sanhedrin, the ruling body of Jewish society, and membership in the Sanhedrin was contingent upon being married. Paul, who was definitely unmarried by the time he wrote the epistles to the Church at Corinth, may have been widowed. But there are many scholars who suppose that when he went through his radical conversion from zealous Pharisee to committed Christian, he alienated his one-time wife. It has been suggested that she left this man who, because of his spiritual transformation, had become a complete stranger to her." (Tony Campolo, "Is it ever ok for Divorced Christians to Remarry?" p198)

"I believe that when we are married, we are married until death do us part. To me that means that when people take the wedding vows, they make a commitment to care for each other for the rest of their lives. Thus, even if these people cannot live with each other (which seemed to have been the case for such a notable Christian as John Wesley, the founder of Methodism), the obligation to provide for the care and well-being of one's mate remains a firm requirement. Even after a marriage is legally ended, Christians are not divorced from looking after their former spouses. Thus, care for former marital partners is viewed as a responsibility to be carried out regardless of what the other person does. For Christians, a marital breakup does not mean a divorce from loving concern and service. I know this is not a widely held view, but it seems to me that such obligations are wrapped up with the marital vows and that even divorce does not end them." (199-200)

BookPastor >> "Divine Sex" (Jonathan Grant)

TITLE: Divine Sex: A Compelling Vision for Christian Relationships in a Hypersexualized Age
AUTHOR: Jonathan Grant
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos Press, 2015, (256 pages).

What comes to mind when we think of the word “sex?” More often than not, we are informed by the culture we live in rather than the gospel. In a hypersexualized age, we are inundated by images from Hollywood and advertisements that depict people as sexual objects. Even the use of language can become so offensive that companies often include a sexual harassment statements in their corporate code of conduct. Sadly, many Christians learn more from the worldly institutions instead of biblical principles. We need a new vision of sex and sexuality based on the Bible. This is where author Jonathan Grant comes in. Calling the area of relationships and sexuality as one of the “biggest challenges” our our time, we need to see the world of sex with two eyes: One human, the other divine.

On the former, Grant probes the reasons why our modern perceptions of sexuality have become so dysfunctional and worldly. Instead of people living out their sexuality out of personal authenticity, tragically, many people have done the reverse by using sex as a way to find themselves. Expressions of sexuality have also been done under the guise of liberal behavior where individual freedoms trumps community needs. In such a climate, modern views of sex are becoming more: 1) Utilitarianistic (using others for self-benefit); 2) Expressivistic (heavy individualism); and 3) Postmodernistic (where exercising freedom is more important than actual freedom). By doing so, we become vulnerable to consumerism, detachment, narcissism, and all kinds of worldliness. Instead of sex as a unique and wholesome human expression, people are using sexuality as a way to find themselves. He is particularly critical of churches that have lost their vision with regard to sexuality and human relationships. As far as Grant is concerned, it is truth that transforms, not expressive sex. For that to happen, we need a new vision of sex that he calls, “Divine sex.” This book is about discussing the following questions:

BookPastor >> "We Need to Talk" (Linda Mintle)

Conflicts are always around the corner. This is because people are different and whenever there are differences, there will bound to be conflicts. That is why the best way is not to avoid conflicts but to learn to deal with it constructively. This review was first published at Panorama of a Book Saint on June 19th, 2015.

conrade

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TITLE: We Need to Talk: How to Successfully Navigate Conflict
AUTHOR: Linda Mintle
PUBLISHER: Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2015, (256 pages).

Conflict is inevitable. Sooner or later, even the most cordial of relationships will encounter rough patches. The fact is that conflicts in themselves are not necessarily bad, especially when we can learn to respond constructively when they occur. In Dr Linda Mintle's words, it is simply summarized in four words: "We Need to Talk," which is exactly the title and the central theme of the book. Called a "relationship doctor," Mintle is a popular speaker, a licensed marriage counselor and family therapist, and also chair of the Division of Behavioral Health at the College of Osteopathic Medicine at Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA. She deals with the topic of conflict sensitively but with firmness. Her three basic assumptions are:

1. Conflicts are part and parcel of any close relationships;
2. Under the right conditions, conflicts can help grow relationships;
3. In unhappy relationships, conflicts can escalate and one needs to learn how to deal with them.

Conflicts always involve a power struggle and the key is to manage power imbalances as best as possible to balance between emotional needs, personal integrity, people's well-being, and the stress of life. In order to resolve any conflict, trust must be cultivated. Keeping secrets, being unreliable, history of betrayal, are all examples of how trust can be eroded. In order to build trust, show grace with providing second chances on the one hand and to draw boundaries on the other. Learn of Jesus' humility. Cherish differences without having to pander to every wish and fancy. Beware of the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse: 1) Criticism; 2) Defensiveness; 3) Contempt; 4) Stonewalling. Anticipate a clash of styles and to learn strategies on how to deal with each. Be realistic with what is solvable and what is not. Like a family, one can disagree but still remember that we are all family. Families must learn to fight fair and to deal justly. There are also gender differences to be aware of. Distinguish the needs behind the desire for sex. One popular belief is that men and women have opposite views of sex and affection. Men puts sex before affection while women sees otherwise. Rather than focusing on these two, Mintle suggests both genders find ways to get validation and love in order to meet both of these needs. Mintle also gives 20 guidelines with regards to social media usage and sex.

Conflict styles also vary. Mintle pays special attention to difficult people that provokes high conflict levels. "High conflict" personalities tend to be too emotional about issues and often see things in black and white. Due to their rigid mental styles, they can become manipulative when they do not get things their way. They tend to yell and lose their tempers. They need help in controlling their anger and enabling lots of forgiveness. Use the serenity prayer as a guide.

With lots of practical tips, this book essentially helps us to clear the decks without dismissing the most difficult players. We learn to recognize the different kinds of styles and the various approaches to deal with conflicts. Sometimes it is good to minimize conflicts. Other times, it is best to deal with the situation at hand. With a positive outlook, confidence and humility need to be used simultaneously. The chapter on "Dealing with Difficult People" alone is worth the price of the book. Mintle has given us a powerful resource on how to live together with well-being of all in mind. Perhaps, for those of us who want to do something about everyday conflicts but don't know how, we need to pick up this book, learn from it, and to be equipped on how best to calm down and to promote a constructive dialogue. For Jesus' sake.

Rating: 4.25 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book is provided to me courtesy of Baker Books and Graf-Martin Communications in exchange for an honest review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

Midweek Meditation: On Marriage

(Jennifer Flanders, 2014)

BookPastor >> "The Good Fight"

What makes a good marriage? Is it avoiding all kinds of conflicts or fights? Is it a happily-ever-after, and never-ever-fight scenarios? Obviously not. All marriages have their problems. The thing is to learn not to avoid but to engage, not to flee but to fight fair and well. The main purpose for married couples: We are in it together.  This book is a good read. The review was first published at "Panorama of a Book Saint" on April 24th, 2013.


conrade

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TITLE: The Good Fight: How Conflict Can Bring You Closer
AUTHOR: Drs Les and Leslie Parrot
PUBLISHER:  Brentwood, TN: Worthy Publishing, 2013, (210 pages).

Is all conflict bad? Is there any benefit at all in fighting? When married couples quarrel, is it a sign of a crumbling marriage? In this book, two established marriage counselors give their take about the difference between conflict and resolution. In other words, "It's how you fight, not whether you fight" that is the key point. Dispelling the myth of good married couples as those who live happily ever after, psychologist Les, and family therapist Leslie, come together to help readers distinguish bad fights from good fights, enable couples to grow in authenticity with each other, and to cultivate resilience of the relationship amid adversity. Putting proper perspective in every kind of conflict, we learn how to measure our "conflict quotient" like distinguishing the trivial from the important, learning the rules of engagement, keeping the fight fair and honest, and even uncovering our own "fight" styles. Just like there are rules to any sports or games, the Parrotts put forth three rules for cooperation; two rules of ownership; two rules of respect; and two rules of empathy; as a way to help couples fight well. That is not all. Fighting well also produces another benefit: Learning more about our own selves. For instance:

• Competitive Fighter: One who is high in expressiveness, and low in flexibility
• Collaborative Fighter: One who is high in expressiveness, and high in flexibility
• Conciliatory Fighter: One who is low in expressiveness, and high in flexibility
• Cautious Fighter: One who is low in expressiveness, and low in flexibility.

In fact, knowing what kind of fighter we are is a tremendous asset in learning how to fight well. Using their knowledge and experience, the authors then teach readers on the various combinations of the fight styles, and subsequently apply them through five big applications: Money, Sex, Work, Parenting, and Housework.

On and on, the consistent message in the book is that fighting is not necessarily a bad thing. It can even save one's marriage like releasing steam to prevent the marriage kettle from blowing up. It creates a deeper intimacy between couples. Ultimately, it brings about greater peace, as couples learn more about each other, about themselves, and more importantly, about the simple things that matter more to any marriage. There is a whole chapter on dealing with anger, a critical aspect of any conflict resolution.

My Thoughts

Drs Les and Leslie Parrott have done it again. Not only have they brought together their own expertise and fighting experiences, they have structured a powerful resource to help all couples deal with their differences, their disagreements, and their disappointments, whenever married couples feel less than "happily ever after." Just because a marriage is not happy or funny, does not mean that it is not a good marriage. In fact, a good marriage is one that is filled with both laughter and tears, joys and sorrows, hugs and fights. It is a myth to think that good marriages are those that are without fights or conflicts. All marriages will have fights from time to time. It is how we deal with each fight as they come along. Avoidance can only make it worse. Untimely engagement will be unhelpful too. What is important is to recognize that when the fight comes, both couples are ready to deal with it fairly, promptly, appropriately, and most of all, lovingly. In keeping up with the times, the authors have also included a free app that can be downloaded and installed in the increasingly common smartphones we have.

This book does not make readers look forward to fights. It gives couples the freedom and the courage to tough it out together, knowing that behind every fight, is an opportunity to learn, to listen, to heal, to relate, to reconcile, and to understand each other better. After reading this book, readers will be reminded again the traditional marriage vow:

"I _____ take thee _____, to be my husband/wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; .... till death do us part."

Fighting well, is actually within this vow. Remember that in each fight, if we hurt our spouses, we are also hurting ourselves, for couples are in it together. Thanks to Les and Leslie Parrott, we have a great resource to help us maintain a fuller view of what we have first promised our mates.

Rating: 4.5 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book is provided to me free by Worthy Publishing without any obligation for a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

BookPastor >> "The Sacred Search" (Gary Thomas)

Gary Thomas has written several books and articles on marriage matters. This new book is for singles, and those preparing for marriage. The review below was first published on Panorama of a Book Saint.

conrade 

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TITLE: The Sacred Search: What If It's Not about Who You Marry, But Why?
AUTHOR: Gary Thomas
PUBLISHER: Colorado Springs, CO: David C. Cook Publishers, 2013, (256 pages).

This book is an exposition of Matthew 6:33 with regards to the 'why' of marriage that is more important than the 'who we marry.' In other words, before we get married, we need to ask the question of why do we want to marry in the first place. Many people are discouraged just to see how the statistics are skewing divorces and unhappy marriages more as a norm rather than an exception. It has even deterred people from seeking out getting married. Others are too concerned about who they should marry. For some, marriage is a cross, while for others, marriage is a test of faith. While it is true that there are pains and heartaches in marriages, Thomas wants to point out that there is hope. Rather than to marry and then regret the decision, the key task in this book is to search from the perspective of seeking God's Kingdom and God's Righteousness first, and to trust God to provide for our marital answers. The search begins with the ones who claim that their marriage situation is more an exception rather than a rule. In other words, God is faithful in everything except when it comes to their own marriage future or a happy marriage. The problem with this culture is that far too many people see happiness as the first priority in marriage. That largely explains the falling out of love and the failing marriages among many. Being in love just is not enough. Finding a 'right' partner is also insufficient. Mere romantic attraction as a reason to get married is also foolish.  The problem is that romantic love is "involuntary," hard to "control," and temporary. In order to start well, we need a spiritual redemption ourselves. Regulate both sexual passions, physical and psychological attractions with spiritual clarity toward wisdom and vulnerability. Thomas then speaks to both gender. First, he addresses the women, and challenges them to be more concerned for their boyfriends or husbands' spiritual conditions, especially godliness. In fact, godliness must be a higher priority than emotional connections or romantic skills. For the guys, avoid succumbing to gorgeous looks or sexual chemistry as a primary criterion. Find a wife who is seeking God's kingdom first! If both husband and wife are placing God's Kingdom first, they will get the answer to the "why" that helps them find the 'who."   Thomas makes some interesting observations, like why many girlfriends who are ready to defend their boyfriends before marriage, are more likely to complain and be critical of their husbands after marriage! For guys, the best chance at sexual fulfillment is not the appearance or act but a woman of virtue, who models Christlikeness and noble character. Thomas urges readers to look for "soul mates" rather than mere "sole mates." Rather than looking for one particular person to "complete us," seek to be the most complete biblical wife or husband that the Bible teaches. Far too many people are taking "short cuts" by using the idea of God's will to speedily get to their ideal wife or husband, when what is needed is the hard work of spiritual discernment, testing, and searching themselves whether they are seeking God's Kingdom and Righteousness first and foremost. There is also the danger of putting our marriage search into some kind of a "marriage lottery." Only in wisdom can we learn to discern the sacred search and the reason why we should or should not marry. 

Gary Thomas is no stranger to all things marriage. Known for his bestselling "sacred" titles, like Sacred Path, Sacred Marriage, and Sacred Parenting, Thomas extends his list to include the search for a marriage partner for singles and those contemplating marriage. Despite the many marriage related books and articles Thomas has written, there is still many glittering insights of his wisdom on marriage. Coupled with his ability to weave together ideas with words, stories with persons, and spiritual wisdom with biblical insights, Thomas has again provided readers with a guide on how to think properly on marriage, especially for singles and those yet to be married. A good beginning may not be absolutely essential in any good marriage, but it sure helps. What I appreciate is the way spirituality is discussed with the basic spiritual disciplines of believers. Like the heart that motivates the actions, the spiritual inspiration ignites the desire to make a marriage work. For me, his biggest gem in this book is a reminder to us that people are not things. We can find things like finding a phone to purchase, an idea to implement, a car to own, or a school to attend. Not people. Spouses are not people that we find in order to become perfect matches for us. Instead, a spouse is someone that we make, that we groom, that we encourage to become more like Christ, to seek God's Kingdom and God's Righteousness first. Do not marry because someone has all the aesthetic qualities or exceptional abilities, for they will slow down one day, or their skills will diminish. Neither should we marry someone simply because we show mercy or feel pity for that person, for soon we have to grapple with feeling pity for ourselves. Asking who we should marry is the secondary question. The primary question is "why" do we want to marry, which is a question that is intimately tied to Matthew 6:33. This is the sacred search.

Kudos to Gary Thomas again for an excellent book for singles and for those considering marriage. Pastors, counsellors, teachers, leaders, and even married couples will benefit greatly from reading this book.


Rating: 5 stars of 5.

conrade

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This book is provided to me free by David C. Cook Publishers and NetGalley without any obligation for a positive review. All opinions offered above are mine unless otherwise stated or implied.

BookPastor >> "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

TITLE: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
AUTHOR: John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
PUBLISHER: New York, NY: Three Rivers Press, 1999, (274 pages).

This is one of the best books on marriage that I have read. Beginning with a startling announcement that 91% of his predictions on the success or failure of a marriage within a 5 minute observation, Gottman makes several other claims which are quite controversial.

• That most marriage therapy fails. For example, "active listening" and "conflict resolution" simply does not work.
•  "Emotionally intelligent marriages" is a predictor of whether a marriage will be happy or not.
• That the percentage of first time marriages ending in divorce being a whopping 67%
• That happy marriages lead to stronger physical immune systems. 

The authors are careful to note that while they are effective predictors of the health of a marriage, their primary concern is on how to enhance and preserve good marriages.  Other myths they expose are:

• Blaming bad marriages on personality issues;
• Assuming common interests will keep marriages together;
• Believing that reciprocity relationships work better;
• Using conflict avoidance to save marriages;
• That affairs are the cause of marriage breakdowns;
• That men are not "biologically built for marriage"
• The popular notion of "men from mars and women from venus"

What Gottman is pointing at is that there are many myths out there, and even marriage manuals are full of myths that need to be uncovered. Instead of depending on ideas without much factual support, Gottman says that he based his seven principles on scientific evidence and mathematical analysis. These seven principles are themselves based on two fundamental statements.

1. "Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship." (19)
2. The success of a marriage is dependent on a "deep sense of meaning." (23)

How Gottman Predicts Divorce

Basically, he looks for 5 signs.

1. A Harsh Startup: where within three minutes of a conversation, whether the response builds up or tears down the initiative to heal.
2. The Four Horsemen of Impending Trouble (in increasing order): Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
3. Flooding: where one's negativity and defensiveness 'floods' the other so much that there is a feeling of shell-shocked and helplessness
4. Body Language: Words alone are not the tell all. The body language during a couple's communications can reveal sad truths about the relationship.
5. Failed Repair Attempts: Not much success comes from any attempt to heal or to repair the relationship.
6. Bad Memories: When a spouse starts to remember only negative history, or increasing despondency whenever the past is recalled, the end is near.

PRINCIPLE #1 - Enhance Your Love Maps

A love map is basically how much we know about each other. From personal interests to best friends, inner secrets to outer preferences, important events, emotions, personal triumphs and despairs, happy couples do not just know, but continue to enhance their knowledge of each other.

PRINCIPLE #2 - Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Learning to work on positive things will definitely help any marriage. It is an antidote against contempt. Using "I appreciate" often, one avoids fanning any flames of negativity. One can be intentional about inculcating a fondness and admiration for each other through consistent exercise and expression of appreciation in spite of weaknesses.

PRINCIPLE #3 - Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Whenever there is a conflict, there is a common tendency to turn away from each other. The fear of "accusations, recriminations or awkward silences" can often lead to missing out opportunity for greater growth, understanding, and maturity in dealing with differences. Gottman suggests accumulating one's "emotional bank account." He encourages couples toward "stress-reducing conversation" that take turns for speaking, avoiding unsolicited advice, showing genuine interest, communicating and paraphrasing what one hears, taking the side of the other person, expressing solidarity through more use of WE, showing affection and validating emotions.

PRINCIPLE #4 - Let Your Partner Influence You

Rather than becoming a total sponge of accepting everything our spouses say, Gottman teaches gradual acceptance through open influence. Husbands can learn from their wives through recognition of how the wives have influenced them in their decision making. Emotionally intelligent husbands are those who honour their wives and respect them for who they are. At the same time, they are comfortable with the fact that letting themselves be influenced by their wives is not a sign of weakness, but strength.

PRINCIPLE #5 - Solve Your Solvable Problems

 Gottman makes a distinction between solvable and "perpetual" problems. Knowing which is which is critical because it gives a realistic assessment of what couples can do and not do. It is meaningless to pour extensive resources over perpetual problems, much like trying to empty the sea of water. Here, Gottman makes a core statement about how to cope.

"communicating basic acceptance of your partner's personality. Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. So the bottom-line rule is that, before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you are understanding. If either (or both) of you feels judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems in your marriage. This holds for big problems and small ones." (149)

This fifth principle comprises of five steps.

1. Soften your startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other's faults

PRINCIPLE #6 - Overcome Gridlock

Here, Gottman shows from his experience what can and cannot be done realistically. He argues that the way out of any gridlock is not resolution but conversation.  Move from "gridlock to dialog." Understand the cause. Know the identity and the dreams of your partner. Respect the dreams of the spouse. He suggests four steps. Firstly, to become a dream detective by finding out what dreams our spouses have. Secondly, work on the gridlock issue by clearly explaining one's position without degrading the other. Thirdly, take time to soothe each other and avoid flooding each other out. This can be done through gentleness, understanding, and realistic expectations. Fourthly, compromise if necessary. Not all problems can be resolved within any set time. Fifthly, be tolerant of each other's fault.


PRINCIPLE #7 - Create Shared Meaning

Gottman here gives us a key idea on what makes marriages work best.

"A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions." (245)

When this happens, the meaning of marriage becomes more and more significant and clear in both persons.

My Thoughts

This is one of the best marriage books out there in the market. It spells out the problems and the solutions clearly. It lists the many practical issues affecting many marriages. While there is a tinge of arrogance in the way Gottman disses many marriage books and therapy treatments, I believe he is sincere in his approach. Some may accuse him of over-sensationalizing his research to the detriment of others, if the book can help any struggling couple improve their marriage, it will certainly be worth it.

conrade

A Season of Marriage

Last Sunday, I preached on Proverbs 19:13-14 on the topic, "A Season of Marriage." It is a seven-part sermon series dealing with the Seasons of Life. From cradle to grave, from childhood to old age, the purpose of the seven meditations is to help congregants connect their personal stories with some reflections on the wisdom of Proverbs. In my congregation, there is a mixture of adults both young and old in a 40/60 ratio. In other words, there are more members of the congregation that are above 40 years of age. Key to my sermon is the question: "How is it possible for two imperfect persons to work toward a perfect relationship?"

The clues in answering this question can be gleaned through four observations of Proverbs 19:13-14.

"Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord." (Proverbs 19:13-14)

Firstly, the Proverb seems to indicate that the second part is "better than" the first part. Just like wisdom is better than silver or gold (Prov 3:14); better than jewels (Prov 8:11); and love with a little being better than hatred with plenty (Prov 15:17), so a prudent wife is better than material goods. This has implications for priority.

Secondly, we see a prudent wife as a gift from God while the houses and wealth are inheritance from earthly parents. The former can be purchased but not the latter. If we can be happy over inheritance, how much more should we be full of gratitude to God over a prudent spouse? This has implications for our level of gratitude over the more important things in life. Have we used our time to discover our spouses' love maps as a way to show our gratitude to God? Have we upped our efforts to love our spouses?

Thirdly, the Hebrew word for prudence is "sakal" which is also understood as understanding, or wisdom. In contrast, another Hebrew word "arum" denotes craftiness, cleverness and wit. Inner selves and inner wisdom can only be from God, and cultivated from inside out. Such spiritual surgery is not something we can easily obtain. The implication is that this ought to humble us. Growing the inner selves require both quality and quantity. Just like Israel's early years. In Deuteronomy 24:5, the nation was reminded about the importance of a new husband spending 365 days in the first year of marriage, to make his wife happy. This is a way in which one cultivates prudence in the wife, through the love of a husband.

Fourthly, houses and wealth are external things. A prudent wife is both external and internal. I pose the point about comparing and contrasting verses 13 and 14. Verse 13 speaks about a quarrelsome wife, while verse 14 highlights a prudent wife. Do we want to move from 13 to 14, or do we prefer 14 to 13? While most people will opt for the seemingly obvious, the subtle point I try to indicate is our actions often speak against what we personally believe. In other words, if we feel that our spouses are more important than our work, why then are some spending more time and resources at work than with their spouses?

So, how can two imperfect persons work toward a perfect relationship? We need the Lord. We need God to help us see perfection amid our imperfections. This means we recognize firstly the more important place our spouses need to occupy in our daily lives. This means we maintain an attitude of gratitude always, that our spouse is a gift from God. This means that we cultivate the prudence in each other, letting God help us build inner wisdom. This also means that we continue to improve our perspectives to move:

1. From raw stones to JEWELS;
2. From worldliness or happiness to HOLINESS
3. From marital satisfaction to SPIRITUAL FULFILMENT
4. From Ecstasy to INTIMACY.

We need to learn to be other-centered, to be sacrificial, to listen deeply, to love willingly, JUST LIKE JESUS. I end with the exhortation for people to begin slowly, continue steadily, and be encouraged surely. Above all, love sacrificially, just like Christ. As usual, time got the better of me. I had wanted to end with some call to honour our promises to one another. I provide two wonderful quotes on what it means to honour one another by keeping to our promises.

"Without being bound to the fulfilment of our promises, we would never be able to keep our identities. We would be condemned to wander helplessly and without direction in the darkness of each person's lonely heart, caught in its contradictions and equivocations." (Hannah Ar Endt, Historian)

My personal favourite is this.

"I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise." (Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth, New York, NY: Samuel French, 1972, p84)

conrade

Five Essentials for Lifelong Intimacy

This weekend, I will be preaching on marriage. As I reflect on the Deuteronomy 24:5, the verse which specifically says that the newly married man, needs to take a year off from military or other duties, so that he can spend uninterrupted time with his new bride. Such a command may seem weird to modern eyes. Who practices that nowadays? Yet, there is wisdom in doing so.

"If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married." (Deuteronomy 24:5)

How can we understand this? The clue is in the first few verses of chapter 24.

"If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance." (Deuteronomy 24:1-4)

Goodness gracious! It seems like divorce is not exactly a modern phenomenon. It seems rampant in Old Testament times. It appears that people are not spending enough time together, leading to all kinds of marital problems. The ease of divorce is not the issue. It is the ease of "displeasing" one another, and the ease of remarriage that appears to be the core problem. Marriage is not about a simple signing of the certificate. It is much more. A failure in the home eats at the crux of society. A stable home leads to a stable society. A stable society grows when homes are strong. For Israel to be strong, the family unit must be strong. Thus, verse 4 is a wise instruction for couples to grow closer in intimacy, with the man initiating the act of intimacy and love, and the state doing its part to encourage bonding. The question is, what can a man do for one year with his wife? In our modern world, we cannot imagine a world without social media. No Facebook or Twitter. No emails or Internet connections. No movies or automobile joyrides. Life will certainly be boring and meaningless then! Right? Not necessary.

James Dobson, founder of the world famous evangelical organization, Focus on the Family, has been in the forefront of education and teaching all things relationship, especially the home. In one of his books, "Five Essentials for Lifelong Intimacy," he calls intimacy as "the mystical bond of friendship, understanding, and commitment that almost defies explanation" (9). He distills his wealth of knowledge and learning into five essential principles. These principles are apparently chosen from a panel of "six hundred marriage experts."

1) A Christ-Centered Home

The rationale is clear. If God created us and the marriage institution, should we not listen and follow His design? It is a call to put Christ first and always in the relationship. It means persistent prayer, the special place of common prayer between couples with God. There is a need for BOTH husband and wife to be intimate with Jesus, and to push each other to spend time with God.

2) A Lifelong Commitment

Commitment in marriage is vital. Lifelong commitment is absolutely essential. The smoothening of rough edges, the honing of each other's strengths and weaknesses, the adaptation to one another's idiosyncrasies takes time. It is during this crucial time that foundations are built. Lifelong commitment is needed to press on through times of pain. It is also needed to work through emotions. More importantly, one needs to trust less of one's emotions, and more of God's patience. Supplement this with a strong dosage of mini-celebrations of meaningful togetherness. There is no need to have anything beyond the words "I Love you." One thing I have learned is that in a marriage, we learn to deny ourselves, and to give the benefit of the doubt to our spouses. It is like giving a blank cheque that says: "I (own name) love you (your spouse's name) even though _______" and lets our spouses fill in the blank at any time. Then commit yourself to honour that cheque.

Tip:  Regularly re-affirm each other. Learn from other couples you respect about commitment. Recall your wedding vows.


3) A Deep and Abiding Trust

Trust is an antidote against fear and insecurity. One builds trust with honest sharing and gracious words. Do not hurt or embarrass our spouses, especially in public. Build trust with actions, to regularly show the spouse how much you trust him/her. Protect the marriage by building hedges against all kinds of temptations, even small ones. Learn to trust God, and in the process, ask God to help us trust each other.

Tip: Be convicted against adultery. Build the level of comfort between husband and wife through communications and humble behaviour toward each other.

4) A Willingness to Communicate

I remember my uncle telling me that the biggest factor for marital problems is the lack of communications. It is either we miscommunicate or do not communicate enough. Moreover, couples have varying communication levels. It is important that during the early years of marriage, one learns the "love language" as well as one's own style. A willingness to communicate also imply the willingness to adapt one's communication to suit the other. Through communications, one learns to share most intimate details of oneself. Let the goal be to see our spouses also as our best friends. Part of communication is also in recognizing hard walls that prevent further progression along any one path. These are called "unresolvables." Here, both parties need to agree on how best to deal with it, whether to delay it, or try a different approach. Even talking about it is a good step toward more open communications. Not having a good result does not mean one cannot carry on a good conversation.

Tip: Think about compromising as a way to increase greater communications. What about learning of ways to improve one's level of communications?

5) An Understanding of Love

Love is one of the most used words in our modern society. It is also widely abused and misunderstood. It contains romance. It has elements of intimacy as described in the biblical Songs of Solomon. There is a "thrill" of pursuing as well as being pursued. The wife can love the husband by being sensitive to him during his deepest despair. A story was told of EV who invested in a service station and his business failed miserably. Instead of saying "I told you so," the wife wisely looked at the positive side, commended the husband's honesty and personality, and moved on together as a couple. Instead of further demoralizing the husband, she became a huge encouragement. According to researcher, Desmond Morris, intimacy needs to proceed slowly. There is no quick fix, only slow growth.

"No matter how you define and express romance - through flowers, love notes, an evening in the bedroom, or all of the above - it is a vital ingredient for achieving genuine and lasting intimacy in your marriage. If you are careful to nurture and protect the flame of romance in our relationship, you'l enjoy its warmth for a lifetime." (James Dobson, Five Essentials for Lifelong Intimacy, Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 2005, 100-101)

So what do couples need to do in their early years of marriage? What can a newly married couple do? Build on the five essentials of intimacy. If such essentials are worked upon, and prevent even the slightest chance of any divorce situations, why not?

Let me try to use the five Cs to help us remember the five essentials.

1. Christ-Centered Home
2. Commitment toward One Another
3. Common trust
4. Communications
5. Caring to Love

conrade

Marriage Over the Years

This video is absolutely hilarious. It reminds me of how marriage relationships change over time. In this clip, you can see how the marriage looks like after 1 year, after 5 years, and after more than 15 years.

conrade

Don't Call it Marriage

As the US presidential elections approaches, the fight is increasingly between the incumbent Democrat, Barack Obama, and the Republican representative, Mitt Romney. Both candidates have stirred up controversies of various sorts, of which the most talked-about is their statements on faith matters. Romney's status as a Mormon has brought about arguments for and against the candidacy. Evangelicals from different camps have shared varying opinions about whether Romney is able to represent their religious interests effectively. Now, Obama has jumped into the pot of controversy. This time it is same-sex marriage. Making a statement after the North Carolina ban on same-sex marriage, Obama plays into the sentiments of the same-sex marriage proponents, and very likely to win the votes of this influential group of people, reportedly about 50% of the electoral vote. I am not sure about the numbers, but to me, it is clear that Obama's open support for same-sex marriage is more about votes and less about religious convictions.

I know of friends who are staunchly behind Obama's stand. They are mindful of the ways the LGBT sector have been marginalized through discriminative actions. They are also speaking out to uphold their understanding of democracy where everyone has the right to choose and to adopt whatever lifestyle choices made. In the words of the former Canadian Prime Minister, they will chime with the same melody, that the state is not to pry into matters of the bedroom.

“The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation.” (Pierre Elliott Trudeau)

Simply put, political decisions are to be de-linked from morality issues. After all, policies of the state affect everyone, while morality matters are more subjective.

I also know of friends who find Obama's stance unbelievable, and lament at the downward spiral of a once great American state that uphold good family values based on basic Christian beliefs. At the crux of the matter is the word "marriage." I believe that the LGBT group is mainly asking for equal rights to be extended to them. It is about the privileges of marriage that they are seeking. It is also about allowing them to choose whatever sexual orientation they want.

How then do we solve the impasse? I believe that as long as the word marriage is wrangled out of its traditional understanding, there will always be controversies. If that is the case, why not keep the marriage word reserved as between a man and a woman? For same-sex couples, choose another word altogether, and then get the state to sanction the word for them. 

I am not here to attack anybody's right to do this or to do that, to argue for or against same-sex matters. I am here to state again marriage (as a word) is between a man and a woman. Those who are same-sex, please do not use the word marriage. Call it legal union, shared relationship, or whatever, so that you can get whatever rights/benefits you want. The reason why same-sex couples are using the word marriage to describe same-sex union is simply because there is no other word so far for them to obtain similar benefits. Why don't we all agree to reserve the legal union between a man and a woman as marriage, while those who are same-sex, go choose to use another word altogether? Once the semantics are dealt with, we can all learn to live and let live without having to dig up this issue every time some leader make an opinion. Regardless of what opinion, it always tend to be divisive.

Here is a list of links that affirms the marriage as between a man and a woman. Credit to Eric Teetsel, executive director of the Manhattan Declaration.

===================

1) What is Marriage?

by Sherif Girgis, Robert George, and Ryan T. Anderson

http://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=1722155

2) Why I'm Optimistic About Natural Marriage

by Andrew Walker

http://www.mereorthodoxy.com/why-im-optimistic-about-natural-marriage/

3) Why Is Marriage Important? (video)

by John Piper

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nd3AmKexugM

4) Who Needs Marriage?

by Chuck Colson

http://www.breakpoint.org/the-center/columns/colson-files/17606-who-needs-marriage

5) Marriage in Society: The Generation Clash (pps. 47-57)

by Matthew Lee Anderson

http://issuu.com/thecity/docs/thecitywinter2009/47?mode=embed&layout=http://skin.issuu.com/v/light/layout.xml&showFlipBtn=true

6) What Would Bonhoeffer Do?

by Eric Metaxas

http://www.breakpoint.org/the-center/columns/call-response/15129-metaxas-what-would-bonhoeffer-do

7) Dennis Prager Debates Perez Hilton on Same-Sex Marriage (Warning: YouTube contains objectionable content)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTE9zWaQc_Y

8) Religion, Reason, and Same-Sex Marriage

by Matthew J. Franck

http://www.firstthings.com/article/2011/05/religion-reason-and-same-sex-marriage

9) A Marriage in Full

by Gary A. Anderson

http://www.firstthings.com/article/2008/04/003-a-marriage-in-full-3

10) On Marriage and the Moral Limits of Human Sexuality

by Metropolitan Jonah

http://orthocath.wordpress.com/2011/08/01/metropolitan-jonah-on-marriage-and-the-moral-limits-of-human-sexuality/

Eric Teetsel

Executive Director, Manhattan Declaration

===================


Again, keep marriage clear as legally between a man and a woman. For same sex unions, choose another word altogether. Otherwise, this issue will continue to divide families, societies, and even nations.

conrade

Three Marriage Books to Recommend

Recently, I have read some really good books on marriage. This post brings together three of them which I believe can be helpful resources for married couples as well as those seeking marriage, or wanting to learn more about biblical perspectives from marriage.


1) THE MEANING OF MARRIAGE (Tim and Kathy KELLER)
Publisher: Dutton Books, 2011.
Read my Full Review here:

This book is packed with biblical wisdom and practical helps on one of the most important issues of our age: Marriage. The author draws upon three deep roots to write the book; his own marriage, his concern for the large unmarried part of his congregation, and from the Bible. The central thesis of the book is that we need to understand the meaning of marriage that is both realistic and glorious. He makes it clear that marriage is not same-sex, not polygamous, and certainly not romanticism, or defined through cultural lens. Instead, marriage is love unlimited.

This book is solidly biblical and highly practical.



2) RENOVATING YOUR MARRIAGE ROOM BY ROOM (Johnny C. Parker)
Publisher: Moody Press, 2012.
My Full Review here:

This book is a delight to read. Using the metaphor of a house renovation, the author is meticulous about helping readers renovate their marriages from the foundation up, and the inside-out. Beginning with firm and correct foundations, Parker reminds us that marriage is not a "happily ever after" kind of a fairy tale ending. It is much more difficult to stay in marriage. One way to help one stay faithful in love is to renovate our marriage room by room.

Each room forms an aspect of marriage that can be renovated and renewed. Creatively, the author hones into the marriage experience, its ups and downs, and provides very encouraging tips on how marriage can become a joyous and rewarding experience. But first the hard work has to be done.

I like this book particularly because of the powerful image of a house of rooms.


3) REAL MARRIAGE (Mark & Grace Driscoll)
Publisher: Thomas-Nelson, 2012.
My Full review here.

Like Tim and Kathy Keller, the Driscolls are pastors too. What makes this book particularly intriguing is the explicit ways in which they tackle sexual techniques and tools.

The core conviction is to use this book as a way for married couples to become 'best friends and lovers' like how God has intended. In order to present this 'Real Marriage' picture, the Driscolls lead by example by sharing openly and honestly about themselves. They admit their sleeping around with others prior to marriage. They confess their lack of openness to each other in their early years of marriage. They share their continuing struggles candidly. At the same time, both affirm that their marriage has been transformed under the love and grace of God.


conrade

What Happened to "For Better or For Worse?"

Pat Robertson recently gave an interview that makes me think he is getting more and more off the mark. In a program taped for viewers of the 700 Club show, he says:

"That is a terribly hard thing," Robertson said. "I hate Alzheimer's. It is one of the most awful things because here is a loved one—this is the woman or man that you have loved for 20, 30, 40 years. And suddenly that person is gone. They're gone. They are gone. So, what he says basically is correct. But I know it sounds cruel, but if he's going to do something he should divorce her and start all over again. But to make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her."

In doing so, he is making a mockery of the marriage vow. He has added "Alzheimer's" as another reason for divorce. This is totally unacceptable from a Christian standpoint. How can a teacher of the Bible advocate such things? Alzheimer's is already a terrible disease. Robertson's teaching on it is even more terrible. Didn't married couples say to each other, "For better or for worse, in sickness and in health? . . . till death do us part?"

In contrast, there is another couple that I have to mention. It is the former President of Columbia International University, Robertson McQuilkin, who quit his high profile job to take care of his wife full-time, after learning that his beloved soulmate has Alzheimer's. You can read about it in my review here.

McQuilkin himself has personally understood how terrible Alzheimer's is. Instead of putting his work and responsibilities before his wife, he set those aside, and put his wife as his sole priority. He made a choice to follow through on his vow.  You can check out his powerful resignation speech here.

This is a tale of two 'Robertsons.' The former (Pat Robertson) advocates a divorce. The latter (Robertson McQuilkin) faithfully follows through for-better-or-for-worse. Which is the better testimony for Christ? It's a no brainer.

conrade

Book - "First Comes Love?"

TITLE: First Comes Love? - the ever changing face of marriage
AUTHOR: John C Morris
PUBLISHER: OH: Pilgrim Press, 2007.


BEWARE: This book is a veiled attempt to attack the traditional marriage between one-man-one-woman.

This book attempts to outline the history of marriage, and to highlight how marriage 'changes' its face according to the era and the contexts people are in. The constant refrain by the author is that marriage 'has changed and changed and changed again' (9). By exploring 21 different 'layers and traditions,' Morris attempts to change us, in particular, those who hold to the 'traditional marriage' of one man and one woman.

Under the guise of an objective, scientific, factual, and a rationale explanation of marriage customs and traditions throughout the ages, Morris is essentially telling us not to be too defensive about the traditional one-man-one-woman form of marriage. Here is why Morris insists that marriages are ever changing.