Midweek Meditation: Letting creation point us to the Creator

For this week, we enter into Autumn in the Western world. Throughout the city, trees are beginning to shed leaves. Yellow and orange are slowly engulfing the lush greens. The Summer heat is slowly dissipating. Nature has a visual way of telling us that the season is about to change. As we admire and ponder about creation, may our hearts be moved to worship. Let us be amazed at how the trees and the plants are able to sense the invisible changes in weather. We may feel the temperature spikes with our skin. The trees demonstrate the changes with their leaves.

As we pray and as we reflect upon these words, let us draw near to God. This prayer by Thomas Merton talks about learning to be guided by creation toward the Creator of these creation. It is a spiritual act of worship.

There is no leaf that is not in Your care.
There is no cry that was not heard by You before it was uttered.
There is no water in the shales that was not hidden there by Your wisdom.
There is no concealed spring that was not concealed by You.
There is no glen for a lone house that was not planned by You for a lone house.
There is no man for that acre of woods that was not made by You for that acre of woods.

But there is a greater comfort in the substance of silence than in the answer to a question.
Eternity is in the present.
Eternity is in the palm of the hand.
Eternity is a seed of fire whose sudden roots break barriers that keep my heart from being an abyss.

- (Thomas Merton, Dialogues with Silence, HarperSanFrancisco, 2001, p89.)

conrade

BookPastor >> "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

TITLE: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
AUTHOR: John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
PUBLISHER: New York, NY: Three Rivers Press, 1999, (274 pages).

This is one of the best books on marriage that I have read. Beginning with a startling announcement that 91% of his predictions on the success or failure of a marriage within a 5 minute observation, Gottman makes several other claims which are quite controversial.

• That most marriage therapy fails. For example, "active listening" and "conflict resolution" simply does not work.
•  "Emotionally intelligent marriages" is a predictor of whether a marriage will be happy or not.
• That the percentage of first time marriages ending in divorce being a whopping 67%
• That happy marriages lead to stronger physical immune systems. 

The authors are careful to note that while they are effective predictors of the health of a marriage, their primary concern is on how to enhance and preserve good marriages.  Other myths they expose are:

• Blaming bad marriages on personality issues;
• Assuming common interests will keep marriages together;
• Believing that reciprocity relationships work better;
• Using conflict avoidance to save marriages;
• That affairs are the cause of marriage breakdowns;
• That men are not "biologically built for marriage"
• The popular notion of "men from mars and women from venus"

What Gottman is pointing at is that there are many myths out there, and even marriage manuals are full of myths that need to be uncovered. Instead of depending on ideas without much factual support, Gottman says that he based his seven principles on scientific evidence and mathematical analysis. These seven principles are themselves based on two fundamental statements.

1. "Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship." (19)
2. The success of a marriage is dependent on a "deep sense of meaning." (23)

How Gottman Predicts Divorce

Basically, he looks for 5 signs.

1. A Harsh Startup: where within three minutes of a conversation, whether the response builds up or tears down the initiative to heal.
2. The Four Horsemen of Impending Trouble (in increasing order): Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.
3. Flooding: where one's negativity and defensiveness 'floods' the other so much that there is a feeling of shell-shocked and helplessness
4. Body Language: Words alone are not the tell all. The body language during a couple's communications can reveal sad truths about the relationship.
5. Failed Repair Attempts: Not much success comes from any attempt to heal or to repair the relationship.
6. Bad Memories: When a spouse starts to remember only negative history, or increasing despondency whenever the past is recalled, the end is near.

PRINCIPLE #1 - Enhance Your Love Maps

A love map is basically how much we know about each other. From personal interests to best friends, inner secrets to outer preferences, important events, emotions, personal triumphs and despairs, happy couples do not just know, but continue to enhance their knowledge of each other.

PRINCIPLE #2 - Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

Learning to work on positive things will definitely help any marriage. It is an antidote against contempt. Using "I appreciate" often, one avoids fanning any flames of negativity. One can be intentional about inculcating a fondness and admiration for each other through consistent exercise and expression of appreciation in spite of weaknesses.

PRINCIPLE #3 - Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

Whenever there is a conflict, there is a common tendency to turn away from each other. The fear of "accusations, recriminations or awkward silences" can often lead to missing out opportunity for greater growth, understanding, and maturity in dealing with differences. Gottman suggests accumulating one's "emotional bank account." He encourages couples toward "stress-reducing conversation" that take turns for speaking, avoiding unsolicited advice, showing genuine interest, communicating and paraphrasing what one hears, taking the side of the other person, expressing solidarity through more use of WE, showing affection and validating emotions.

PRINCIPLE #4 - Let Your Partner Influence You

Rather than becoming a total sponge of accepting everything our spouses say, Gottman teaches gradual acceptance through open influence. Husbands can learn from their wives through recognition of how the wives have influenced them in their decision making. Emotionally intelligent husbands are those who honour their wives and respect them for who they are. At the same time, they are comfortable with the fact that letting themselves be influenced by their wives is not a sign of weakness, but strength.

PRINCIPLE #5 - Solve Your Solvable Problems

 Gottman makes a distinction between solvable and "perpetual" problems. Knowing which is which is critical because it gives a realistic assessment of what couples can do and not do. It is meaningless to pour extensive resources over perpetual problems, much like trying to empty the sea of water. Here, Gottman makes a core statement about how to cope.

"communicating basic acceptance of your partner's personality. Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. So the bottom-line rule is that, before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you are understanding. If either (or both) of you feels judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems in your marriage. This holds for big problems and small ones." (149)

This fifth principle comprises of five steps.

1. Soften your startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Be tolerant of each other's faults

PRINCIPLE #6 - Overcome Gridlock

Here, Gottman shows from his experience what can and cannot be done realistically. He argues that the way out of any gridlock is not resolution but conversation.  Move from "gridlock to dialog." Understand the cause. Know the identity and the dreams of your partner. Respect the dreams of the spouse. He suggests four steps. Firstly, to become a dream detective by finding out what dreams our spouses have. Secondly, work on the gridlock issue by clearly explaining one's position without degrading the other. Thirdly, take time to soothe each other and avoid flooding each other out. This can be done through gentleness, understanding, and realistic expectations. Fourthly, compromise if necessary. Not all problems can be resolved within any set time. Fifthly, be tolerant of each other's fault.


PRINCIPLE #7 - Create Shared Meaning

Gottman here gives us a key idea on what makes marriages work best.

"A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions." (245)

When this happens, the meaning of marriage becomes more and more significant and clear in both persons.

My Thoughts

This is one of the best marriage books out there in the market. It spells out the problems and the solutions clearly. It lists the many practical issues affecting many marriages. While there is a tinge of arrogance in the way Gottman disses many marriage books and therapy treatments, I believe he is sincere in his approach. Some may accuse him of over-sensationalizing his research to the detriment of others, if the book can help any struggling couple improve their marriage, it will certainly be worth it.

conrade

Three-Fold Reminder for Christian Leadership

Title: Three-Fold Reminder for Christian Leadership

Written by: Dr Conrade Yap

Date: 8 September 2012

“That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;” (Philippians 3:10, KJV)

Christian leadership is not easy. We can all say that easily. Living it is hard. Those of us who have assumed a position of leadership can attest to this challenging role. For some leaders, they feel unappreciated or underappreciated. Worse, whatever they do, the naysayers and the complainers are always on a lookout for negative things, and conveniently forget the positive aspects. This tempts many leaders to fall into a sad state of joyless service. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. Having served in church for many years, I am familiar with the behaviour of various kinds of church people. In smalltalk they proclaim the goodness of fellow brothers and sisters. In private, they complain. They despise. They gossip. Such hitting under the belt behaviour does not glorify God. That said, how good Christian leaders respond CAN glorify God. This is where I want to begin.

In his letter to the Philippians, Paul not only continues to serve God’s people fervently, he continues to let his service be focused on the Person of Jesus Christ. Imagine being imprisoned, being prosecuted unfairly by worldly authorities, and being a suffering servant for God, how can this apostle rise above the torment? Paul has this single-minded focus. Whatever is gain to him, he considers it loss for Christ. Whatever confidence he has about his worldly skills and knowledge, he prefers to be more confident in Christ. Why? Three things strike me.

Firstly, “that I may know Him and the power of his resurrection” puts his objective clearly forward. It has been said that if there is a why, we will be creative enough to find out the how. Why then do many people continue to look for the “hows” and the “whats” of Christian ministry at the expense of the “Why?” Perhaps, we all need reminders. We need to be taken to task about how central is our focus on Jesus. If we are willing to let all of our thoughts and our works be centered upon glorifying Jesus, our preoccupation will move away from the worries and the challenges of Christian ministry to the joy of serving Christ.

“The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions, and not on our circumstances. We carry the seeds of the one or the other about with us in our minds wherever we go.” (Martha Washington, wife of George Washington)

While perspective can motivate us, let us be focused on the resurrection of Christ, to be the chief hope of it all. It is real. It will happen again.

Secondly, do not ask why it is hard to be a Christian leader. Ask for strength to overcome the challenges of Christian leadership. If we wear the hat of “avoidance” of difficulty, it is only a matter of time before other kinds of difficulty will come. Instead, wear the hat of willingness to suffer, just like Christ. Be joined to Christ in the fellowship of his sufferings. Christian leadership may be difficult, but at least we have a Model of Suffering to follow. That is Jesus. Suffering humbles us. It cuts our arrogance down to size. It pushes us to seek the True Source of Comfort. The Holy Spirit. The great Martin Luther King Jr suffers greatly, often fighting alone against an establishment that is overwhelmingly white. Yet, he continues to press on. He says,

“Everybody can be great... because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace, a soul generated by love.”

Love overcomes a multitude of challenges.

Finally, remind ourselves who we are serving. Fix in our minds and in our hearts that the reason for our serving is also a personal journey of counting the cost of discipleship. “Being made conformable to his death” reminds me of a stubborn mule being forced to do things against its will. Discipleship according to Dietrich Bonhoeffer is this:

“When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die. It may be a death like that of the first disciples who had to leave home and work to follow Him, or it may be a death like Luther’s, who had to leave the monastery and go out into the world. But it is the same death every time—death in Jesus Christ, the death of the old man at his call.” (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship, SCM Press, 2001, p44)

The words of Bonhoeffer continues to echo in my mind what true discipleship entails. That I must decrease, that others may increase. My brothers and sisters in leadership, press on. The three calls for you are as follows.

1. Knowing the Word of God.  Are you reading the Bible daily? When was the last time you embark on a program to read through the Bible in 1 year?

2. Growing in Love of God. Are you serving with joy? When was the last time you feel like you want to quit? Have you prayed for God’s strength to lead and to guide you through?

3. Showing in Discipleship and Witnessing for God. Discipleship is not an option. We are called to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Jesus. It is not how much we have given to God. Perhaps, for many of us, it is a question of how much we have NOT given to God.

My brothers and sisters, I am praying with you. May we grow to be more like Christ, learning from the Apostle Paul. May our focus for Christian leadership reflect Philippians 3:10 word for word.

conrade

Level 4 Leadership: People Development

(Credit: John Maxwell)

For the past few weeks, we have been reflecting on John Maxwell's 5 levels of leadership. We have covered the Positional (Level 1), the Permission (Level 2), the Production (Level 3). Today, we will touch on Level 4, the People Development level of leadership.

In Part 4 of the leadership series, John Maxwell calls this "People Development" level of leadership, as one that helps to develop the potential of individuals through influence and impact. Instead of growing onself per se, one helps others to grow more and more. When this is done consistently, the end result is not just individual growth, but also helps the organization reach its highest potential. The benefits of such level of leadership are as follows.

1. It sets one apart from most leaders.
2. It assures toward sustaining growth among individuals as well as the organization.
3. It empowers others to fulfill their leadership responsibilities.
4. It empowers the leader to lead larger.
5. It leads to personal fulfilment, when we see others grow, and when we learn to forget our own selves and focus on others.

Several thoughts come to mind as I reflect on the above five things. Firstly, there is a difference between delegating and dumping. Simply telling people to do things without much supervision or guidance is not delegation. It is simply dumping stuff on others. Worse are those leaders that dump stuff with the intention of seeing their subordinates fail, so that they themselves look good. I think delegation must always involve a close watch by the leader to help others succeed. This is the core motivation of delegation. Helping others succeed. Secondly, learning to focus on others rather than self is a mark of unselfishness. The human nature is selfish by default. We use self-preservation as an end in itself. We fear that if we do not try to help ourselves, we will fail. We will lose out. We give in to all kinds of suspicions that seem to pit the world and everyone against us. As a result, such actions breed distrust and distrust leads to disunity. In trying to consolidate one's power, one gets tempted toward tyranny. In wanting to control others, one moves toward preventing others from achieving their potential. Thirdly, we fail to be leaders. Leaders are to lead people toward personal growth and organizational success. Not training others is essentially preparing for eventual demise of the whole organization. A healthy organization can only thrive well if there is an atmosphere of trust, of learning, and of giving. Some of the quotes from John Maxwell are appropriate.

• "To reach the upper levels of leadership that create elite organizations, leaders must transition from producers to developers." (181)
• "Former Secretary of Lanor Robert Reich pointed out, 'If employers fail to upgrade their workers, then they're trying to be competitive only with their capital.'" (185)
• "Never forget that leadership is the art of helping people change from who they're thought to be to who they ought to be." (187)
• "Don't allow yourself to become the lid on your organization. Give it the best chance for a bright future by developing other leaders." (188)
• "Farzin Madjidi, professor of leadership at Pepperdine University, asserts, 'We need leaders who empower people and create other leaders. It's no longer good enough for a manager to make sure that everybody has something to do and is producing. Today, all employees must 'buy in' and take ownership of everything they're doing. To foster this, it's important that employees should make decisions that most directly affect them. That's how the best decisions are made. That's the essence of empowerment.'" (190)
• "You cannot become an effective Level 4 leader unless you are willing to let go of some of your responsibilities. So what's a good rule of thumb for transferring ownership of a leadership responsibility to someone else? I use the 80 percent rule. If someone on my team can do one of my tasks 80 percent as well as I do (or better), then I give him or her responsibility for it. If you want to be an effective leader, you must move from perfectionist to pragmatist." (191)

A) Barriers to People-Development Level Leadership

The chief reason why many leaders are unable to progress toward Level 4 leadership is insecurity and a lack of maturity. Four barriers are mentioned by John Maxwell.

1. Self-centeredness
2. Insecure and easily threatened by others
3. Shortsightedness
4. Lack of Commitment

The word 'equip' seems to be a foreign term in people who are insecure and unwilling to train others. They think of themselves being the disadvantaged. They are fearful that no one will help them if they try to help others. Gerald Brooks says it well, "When you become a leader you give up the right to think about yourself." This is worth pondering. Indeed, leaders must be others-centered. Christian leaders must be God-centered so that they can be others-centered in Christ-like ways. When one overcomes self-centeredness, one is free to empower others, to help others do their job better. When tackling insecurity, three areas need to be tackled.

• Ego: Are you doing things to beef up your ego? Are you using others for your ego's ends?
• Control: Are you trying to take credit or to assign blame to others? Do you tend to control people more or to energize and encourage them more?
• Trust: Secure leaders see trust as the glue of any organization.

B) Developing People

Level 4 leaders need to be able to KNOW the potential of people through recruiting and positioning, to SHOW the leader by modeling and equipping, and to GROW a leader by developing, empowering, and measuring. These 7 areas are keys to developing Level 4 leadership.

1. Recruiting: Maxwell lists 4 Cs when looking for potential leaders. Chemistry is needed. Character is critical. Capacity ensures sustaining of the long process. Contribution is expected, that leaders will learn not just to do the bare minimum, but their best.
2. Positioning: This places the right people in the right positions.
3. Modeling: Showing others how to lead resembles Jesus' call to his disciples to come and see.
4. Equipping: This is helping others to do well. I like the way Maxwell puts it through the five-step equipping model.
      Step 1 - I do it (competence)
      Step 2 - I do it and you are with me (demonstration)
      Step 3 - You do it and I am with you (coaching)
      Step 4 - You do it (empowerment)
      Step 5 - You do it and someone is with you (reproduction)
5. Developing: Not only is one only trained to do the job, one is trained to live life well. Challenge them to grow and reach their highest potential. Support them where necessary.
6. Empowering: The joy is to enable others to succeed and to celebrate their successes.
7. Measuring: Feedback mechanism is important for improvement as well as training leaders. Maxwell proposes a six-degrees checklist.
1. Look into it. Report. I'll decide what to do.
2. Look into it. Report alternatives with pros and cons and your recommendation.
3. Look into it. Let me know what you intend to do, but don't do it unless I say yes.
4. Look into it. Let me know what you intend to do and do it unless I say no.
5. Take action. Let me know what you did.
6. Take action. No further contact required.

C) Cultivating Level 4 Leadership

Four things to do with others.

1. The highest goal of leadership is to develop leaders, not gain followers or do work
2. Create a leadership culture by championing and defining good leadership. Teach leadership through regular, frequent basis. Practice leadership by helping leaders to plan and execute. Coach them. Reward them.
3. Not just  a job but a life commitment. This enables leaders to look beyond the 9-5 job environment. After all, leaders are people, not machines.

Eight things to self-examine and cultivate.

1. Be willing to keep growing yourself
2. Make a decision to know that developing people is worth it
3. Work through your insecurities, and don't give in to them
4. Find the best people, develop and train them
5. Commit your time with them
6. Create a personal development process
7. Work with people
8. Use both hard and soft skills
9. Be responsible in energizing others
10. Remain approachable through leading, role modeling, and coaching.

My Comments

Of all the levels so far, I find this Level 4 most energizing for the following reasons. Firstly, it points us away from ourselves and to focus on others. This is what Philippians 2:3-4 is all about. We need to learn to put the interests of others above ourselves, regardless of our leadership titles. Secondly, it is life-giving and is long-term in nature. I like teachings that aim to sustain people for the long haul. Life is not a sprint. It is a marathon. Thirdly, there is a great need in this world to grow leaders and to enable leaders to be the best versions of themselves.

Next week, I will discuss Level 5 leadership: The Pinnacle.


conrade

Hypocrisy According to Craig Groeschel

This book by Craig Groeschel essentially talks about people who says something but behaves almost opposite to what they have said. Hypocrisy. In a hard-hitting book on Christians who are hypocritical in their behaviour and lifestyle, Groeschel lists 12 things that epitomizes Christian Hypocrisy. He has a phrase to describe it. "Christian Atheist." If you think they do not apply to you at all, think again.

The following 12 things are self-explanatory.

1. When you believe in God but don’t really know Him.
2. When you believe in God but are ashamed of your past.
3. When you believe in God but aren’t sure He loves you.
4. When you believe in God but not in prayer.
5. When you believe in God but don’t think He’s fair.
6. When you believe in God but won’t forgive.
7. When you believe in God but don’t think you can change.
8. When you believe in God but still worry all the time.
9. When you believe in God but pursue happiness at any cost.
10. When you believe in God but trust more in money.
11. When you believe in God but don’t share your faith.
12. When you believe in God but not in His Church.

I think all of us need to be reminded, or warned, constantly about our tendency to be hypocritical. It is not a Christian or Church concern. It is a human concern. This is because all people on earth are stricken with the sin of hypocrisy. For people who constantly attack the Church or blame Christians, let it also be known that they too are not immune from the hypocrisy that has tainted the entire human race.

conrade

Midweek Meditation: Give Me a Pure Heart

This prayer by the late Swedish statesman, Dag Hammarskjöld (1905-1961), is our guide for this week's mid-week meditation. Hammarskjöld was also formerly a secretary-general of the United Nations. His prayer is one of the most beautiful prayers ever shared. I have made bold and blue the parts that seek to see, to hear, to serve, and to abide in God. This is a prayer that acknowledges that we can do nothing, except in Christ.

Prayer of Dag Hammarskjöld (1905-1961)

You who are over us,
You who are one of us,
You who are also within us,

May all see you - in me also.
May I prepare the way for You,
May I thank You for all
that shall fall to my lot,

May I also not forget the needs of others.

Give me a pure heart - that I may see You.
A humble heart - that I may hear You,
A heart of love - that I may serve You,
A heart of faith - that I may abide in You. Amen.

conrade

BookPastor >> "Evil and the Justice of God." (NT Wright)

This book review was first published at Yapdates here on June 5th, 2007.

conrade

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TITLE: Evil and the Justice of God
AUTHOR: Nicholas T. Wright
PUBLISHER: Downers Grove, IL: IVP, 2006, (176 pages).

No theologian is ever a theologian if he/she does not tackle head on, at some point of their life, the problem of evil and the goodness of God. NT Wright, a world renowned scholar is one who recently tackled this in his book "Evil and the Justice of God" (IVP, 2006). At 176 pages over five chapters, Wright gives a broad overview of the past attempts by different quarters in explaining the problem of evil. He bemoans the present postmodern ideas of dualism and progressivism (that things will get better and better), arguing that they are inadequate. He challenges Christians at the present to think Christianly in terms of three recognitions:

1. To recognize the flaw that assumes Western type democracy is perfect, complete, or a climax of a long drawn process of wise noble libertarianism.
2. To recognize that there is a deep dimension of evil in this world.
3. To recognize the line between good and evil is not simply between 'us' and 'them' but through everyone of us.

An interesting suggestion Wright makes is in terms of imagining a world without evil. This is a cogent thought as it broadens our typical approach to 'explain' into the realm of imagination. Our imagination needs to be educated, and one way is through the arts which can help us to integrate heart, mind and soul on the matter.

Art at its best not only draws attention to the way things are but to the way things are meant to be, and by God's grace to the way things one day will be, when the earth is filled with the knowledge of God as the waters cover the sea. And when Christian artists go to that task they will be contributing to the integration of heart, mind and soul which we seek, to which we are called. They will be pointing forward to the new world God intends to make, to the world already seen in advance in the resurrection of Jesus, to the world whose charter of freedom was won when he died on the cross. (p128)

Finally, Wright urges for the understanding of evil in the light of the cross of Christ, of which we see a forgiveness in ourselves and others. Wright recommends three books, namely Miroslav Volf's Exclusion and Embrace, Gregory Jones's Embodying Forgiveness and Desmond Tutu's No future without forgiveness. Volf's argument is that one must face and name evil head on when dealing with international relations or one-to-one personal relations, to identify and then embrace. Jones touches the pastoral and personal details while Tutu brings in practical and political perspectives. Wright concludes by mentioning three ways to be able to be delivered from evil.
1) The death of Jesus of Nazareth at the cross has confronted and dealt with evil once and for all, that evil has already been defeated once and for all.
2) At the cross of Jesus, lies forgiveness that will release (not relief) us from guilt
3) The cross of Christ is the final victory over the forces of evil, and will usher in the new world eventually, a world with a future.

What about forgiveness in terrible evils done in the past, like the Holocaust? Wright puts it very pastorally, saying that the present ill-feelings over the evils committed will also be healed in the eschatological future. One will indeed find true forgiveness eventually in our new resurrection bodies. The physical, the mental pain of unresolved anger and bitterness will be dissolved, as one allows oneself to be forgiven and to forgive. I like his articulation which I reproduce below:

"The quest for a solution is not a quest for the intellectually satisfying answer to the problem of why evil is there in the first place. Rather, the quest for a solution to the problem of evil is a seach for ways in which the healing, restorative justice of the Creator God himself - a justice which will one day suffuse the whole creation - can be brought to bear, in advance of that ultimate reality, within the present world of space, time, matter and messy realities in human lives and societies." (p149-150)

In a nutshell, forgiveness is only possible in the power of the Cross. I agree.

ks